My Messed Up Life as Grumpy the Dwarf

Ay! What are you looking at? How does everyone notice me when their heads are all the way up there? Just because I’m small doesn’t mean you need to stare at me! Well, your reaction was better than Snow White’s. She screamed and called me and my roomates’ little men. Snow White even got everyone to laugh at me! How rude. And on top of that, she broke into our house, and weirdly cleaned every nook and cranny of it. Ok, that last part was kind of nice, but you get the point.

I don’t understand why everyone thinks the story is about Snow White. Really, the dwarves should be the stars. I mean, look at us! We’re adorable! Especially Dopey. Darn it, why am I being so… ugh… happy? Being happy isn’t my thing. It’s Happy’s. That’s something that bugs me. All the dwarves are named after their personality. There’s Doc, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, Dopey, and me, of course the best dwarf of them all, Grumpy.

To be honest, I was a little “happy” when Snow White was poisoned. She was just a tad scary. Her shrill voice made me jump, and why does she like cleaning so much? She was also a little too kind, and, it was scary when she was lying there poisoned. But Snow White isn’t the only creepy person in my life. It was pretty weird that we just happened to have a glass coffin lying around, the perfect size for Snow White, and had her name engraved into the sides. Remind me to stay away from whichever of the dwarves owned the coffin. I will not live with someone who has a glass coffin collection. Many people aren’t just scary, but they are also crazy. You know the prince who kisses Snow White at the end? Oh, he is insane. Who rides through the woods on a horse, just “happens” to stumble upon a dead corpse in a glass coffin, and kisses it? One, that is sooo unsanitary, and two, he didn’t even know her! Princes these days. Yet instead of slapping him across the face and making a run for it, Snow White marries the guy. What is wrong with this kingdom? And don’t even get me started on the queen. She’s all, “Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, why don’t I have any friends?” and the freaky mirror says, “The reason you don’t have any friends is because you try to poison little girls and talk to mirrors.”

Besides the whole event of that story, my life is pretty simple. The other dwarves and I mine gems in cave, and we usually find carts of them. Ka-ching! So, that is pretty normal.

Aside from work, we do everything everyone else does: eat, sleep, and not clean our house. My life is boring most of the time, except when we find girls sleeping in our house uninvited, who then are poisoned by an apple, and make the wrong decision by marrying a cray-cray prince. Well, I’m off to work. And don’t tell anyone about how cheerful I just was. I will hunt you down if you do. And do everyone a favor and be more grumpy. No please, just be more grumpy.