A Nightcap

The city's lighting up. Racing through the backroads, my mind's alive.

High, in the lowest place.

Through the dark, all I see is blue.

And you. Somewhere else.

Somewhere new.

I don't know what's out there. Past the crevice.

I travel the streets. Searching. When I turn the corner there's always someone new.

I make another wrong turn.

It's exhausting being on foot this long. In the sanctimonious quiet, I sip sangria on a side street. Cars go by. No speed limit. I lean back, relaxing my shoulders, holding my head high. Where should I go? Thoughts pass me by. I acknowledge them. Some acknowledge me. We're not on equal footing in here. I ask for directions.

"You, over there," I say to the fellow at the table across from me.

He doesn't acknowledge me.

"Hello? I'm talking to you,"

He looks over at me, unimpressed.

"What? What do you want? I'm busy," He says. With no other people on the street, the sound of his clinking glass as he takes a sip seems to echo everywhere.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, what direction are you headed in?"

He sips his beer, looking out at the street.

"Graduate school probably. Maybe a Masters program. At least, that's what you're thinking,"

I sigh in exasperation.

"I need to know how to get there. Can you be more specific?"

"Is that where your going?" He replies in an incredulous tone, unconvinced.

I lean back in the chair, looking up at the twinkling of all the nerve endings shooting off across the hollows of my mind.

"I don't know. I don't know. I just...I just want to go home,"

"Okay, where's home?"

"I don't know" I say. A mind without a home is the sea without a shore.

"But I can hear my name. Somewhere. Sitting on someone's tongue. They don't even know they're gonna say it yet. But I know! Somehow I just know that they will, and it feels like the truth and I may have some doubt but I don't question it I just accept it. I can feel it, farther than I can see it,"

He looks at me.

"Really? 'Cause I don't hear anything," He says dryly, looking away.

"It's not...it's hard to explain, okay?"

I busy myself with another Sangria that the waiter brings me. The timing is sublime.

The man across from me looks annoyed, but doesn't move to leave.

"Okay, so..."

"Uh, what do you mean?" I ask, momentarily confused.

"What are you going to do?" He asks, standing up.

"Well, I thought I might take the bus," I say, motioning over my left shoulder in the direction of the deserted bus stop.

The man starts laughing.

"Oh, no no no. You can't do that." He says, using his cane to skirt some pebbles on the cobblestone ground.

I frown, not comprehending.

"Why not? That's how people get places around here, isn't it?"

He shakes his head, his smirk never leaving his face.

"No one takes the bus," He says matter-of-factly.

"Why not?"

"Because it won't run,"

"Why?"

"Because the driver hasn't made up his mind," He says in a tone that suggests he's reasoning with a child and failing miserably.

"Are you kidding?" I say sharply.

He stops in the middle of the street, turning to face me.

"No, no I'm quite serious. The bus doesn't run until the driver makes up his mind," He says, turning back onto his path and crossing the street.

"Wha...makes up his mind about what?" I ask, following him down the empty intersection. The tapping of his cane makes up for the empytiness that fills the streets.

"About where he's going. He hasn't made up his mind yet,"

"Really? And when is that supposed to happen?"

"No one knows."

"Well, how long has it been since it stopped running?" I ask, baffled.

"A few years, maybe more,"

"Great, great." I say, sarcastically, almost shouting the words. I feel so desperate, and I surprise myself by sitting right where I am and breaking down into sobs.

In the street. In public. In anger and frustration.

"Calm down, it's not that upsetting."

"I thought you left," I said.

"No," He looks off for a minute, smiling, looking older than he appears to be for that minute.

"It's funny. I did leave for a while. But then, somehow, I wound up back here again. I came back. On the street, trying to figure this out too,"

I tried to stop crying.

"Look, I've been lost before and I'm fine. I never stay lost for very long anyway. But I think, you need to find a way, or something. Here, take this,"

I look up. He holds out key on a keychain. It jingles.

I take the key hesitatntly. There's a pause while I examine it.

"Yes, I'm pretty sure there's a parked car nearby somewhere. It's a Subaru, nothing fancy. It could help you."

"You, don't know where it is?" I ask, surprised.

"No. I mean, there's only so much that I can know. But maybe you could find it,"

"Thank you," I say, after a minute. It feels like a precious gift.

"See you later,"

He departs down an alleyway, footsteps receding into the darkness.

I feel scared, scared to be here in the dark. The streetlights dimly light the cobblestones, but the warmth of the car makes me hopeful. It warms me up to think of it, as the night's so cold. So I walk on, toward what I know, spinning the key on my right index finger.

Somehow, I feel a little more at home.