Never Say Goodbye

My mind is a sea of black ink. I'm crippled by the distance between you and I. How are you? I wonder what is going through your beautiful mind. You are probably still caught in the wave of trauma I caused everyone when I left; I'm sorry. I strove for a peaceful departure, but I should have known that wasn't going to happen. That black side of my soul got the best of me, I'm afraid. That old empty house quickly filled with shouts and wails of despair, from both you and me. We were so loud, I feared we might have shattered the cracked window in the parlor. Something else broke into thousands of sharp shards though, my darling.

I desire to hear what your life has become now that I am out of it. Is it bright and happy, like you? I hope so. I can’t imagine you in darkness; in the evil-filled shadows of the place I once knew so well. My darling, I'm concerned about the tempting pull of those shadows. Please: for my sake, do not fall victim to their silent, suffocating hands. Those devil-people would change you into one of those hoodlums we scoffed at whenever we saw them at our pocket beach. Please, love, stay away from those people. The thought of you even associating with them terrifies me, and I would do anything in my power to keep you safe from them.

You must want to join me, yes? You can't, I won't let you. I love you too much. I couldn't watch you suffer, as much as I do, in this new purgatory. This scourge upon the Earth is filled with criminals. The buildings are all filthy. Its residents are as mean and hostile as white supremacists. My darling, in this hell hole, you become familiar with only pain and loneliness.

Before I left for my final resting place in that faraway metropolis, I remember kissing your tear-stained face. I slowly stood up, towering over your crumpled form on the ground. Your twisted body was wedged between my cobalt wall and that old, koi-covered shōji that stood alone in my vacuous bedroom: you were trying to protect yourself from something, right? You gazed in my direction: bloodshot eyes pouring tears, watching my every move. A strained mouth imploring for me to never leave.

“Why can't you stay? Stay with me please, stay…stay,” you chanted in broken sobs. Your words still resonate loud enough to break through the static in my head.

You rose from the barren floor and met my height. Your freckled arms entangled my neck in a suffocating embrace. You kept me in your arms as we both fell apart. My ears were flooded with the rage of my own screams. My shoulder took the weight of your head as you began to weep even harder than before. We both knew after you let me go, I would have to leave you behind. It has felt like an eternity since that day. I'm still haunted by your gut-wrenching sounds of despair—that I caused.

Do you know how badly I want to hear your voice, my dear? Your deep laugh that resonated from your soul after every one of my terrible jokes—still echoes through my skull. There is no limit to the amount of guilt I feel for causing you such an immense deal of pain. I was forced to leave. My father thought it would be best to remove me from my home and dump me thoughtlessly in this horrific place. And for his convenience, no less. What a selfish pig.

I was torn from your comforting embrace, ripped from you like that “25% off admission to Sea Paradise Yokohama!” coupon from my Japanese coupon book. It caused me anguish. Too much, in fact. I have been completely consumed by the dark entity of sorrow and loneliness.

I despise this new city. The grey skies match the grey people with grey houses. Everything is grimy, the vintage buildings massacred by graffiti “artists.” It is as if I am in another world altogether—a world without you. A distant planet, millions of light years away from our home. My memories, as foggy and strange as they may be, are only of you, my darling. And, of course, the beautiful natural world you and I spent so much of our time in. That pocket beach with the black crag towering above it calls my name. I wonder what has happened to it, if those little cichlids that I befriended reside in the shallow waters.

My dear, how I hate my new life. When will I see you again? It's the uncertainty that's destroying my will to live. This depression—this parasitic monster that bored its way into my traumatized mind—has finally gained full control of me. My dear, please do not think of me as a weak coward for giving in. Death will free me from my unending suffering. My mind will finally be at peace. Do not fret my love, for I will finally be with you. My body will morph into a new shape: a liberated spirit. I will be at your side forever. At last, after all these years, I will be happy. I will never say goodbye again.