A Tale of Confusion

All my life I have wondered why am I here. Why I exist. The obvious answers, I had no say in the matter. But what about after the nurturing, the teens years into adulthood. the war that wasn't entertaining, but I was part of it just the same. And why did I survive when countless thousands didn't.

I have pretty much run the gamut through the decades. Various odd jobs until one day, college gave me credibility and a career, but in this life, in this husk of skin I walk around in, that cannot be why I am here. There has to be a better answer.

When I was young, before college, I also ran the gamut with women. It was like, Tag! You're it. When the game ended, so to the relationship. I gained experience as a lover, but one who never at the time knew how to love or even why; but that also cannot be the reason my life continues.

Throughout my life I have been afforded the nasty sight of loved ones falling by the wayside. Grandparents, a mother, a father, uncles and aunts, close friends, and three women who I had grown to love in many special and unique ways, one of them became my wife. But they died. And I am still here. And tears do not ever easily fall. Why? I have become immune to the death knoll.

I am not a hardened man. I have empathy for many and sympathy for others, but thias isn't about others, unless what you read, you see in yourself.

I gave up a long time ago staring into a black sky asking, "When is it my turn? Why not me."

What sort of game does life play to leave a mind filled with sadness and regret for wasted years of youth. Is life so cruel and yet, we cannot see it's evilness. It's bottomless pit of hunger to ravage the heart, mind and soul of a person.

When I died (and I did), my life changed or so I thought. Actually some things did change. No longer a drug addict or alcoholic, that part of my life turned around. In that time, I thought I knew what life was meant to be. A learning lesson of respect for others and also hold in place self-respect.

I wanted to believe life was allowing me to grab the "bull by the horns" and wrestlre him to the ground and cry "VICTORY!" That I finally understood.

But I was wrong. In life there are no victories. Temporary skirmishes won perhaps, just to keep us in a place that seems relatively safe from harm's way and where we feel good about the space on this planet we live and walk about on.

Life is temporary and no matter what we experience, what we do, what we say, one day it will all end, but unless one commits suicide, the terms and conditions of death are never revealed. Life is a dirty, sadistic bastard that plays with our minds.

And I don't want to play any longer, but I have the fear (not courage), to not take my own life.

For all life has dealt me, the cards I have played have really been my choice, though life has pushed me to play the game, but I have found a part of my world life cannot control, but my mind can.

Life is day-to-day, hour-to-hour, second-to-second. During that time, I create a life from within, separate of the life I live by nature.

Until my last breath sighs from my lips, I wiill write, create and entertain. But that isn't what I'm really talking about.

Until my last breath falls away unseen, I will have passion for what years I remain on this planet. That is the life I have created. My alter-ego of a birthing life cannot destroy that, nor will I allow it.

After all, words are the blood that flows through my veins.

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I sit and ponder,

the life of a single star,

why the distance is so far.

From whence I stand,

my hand reaches out

and can almost grab one,

yet the star remains ever far away.

One day, I will hold that star,

and no one,

will remove it from my grasp.

6/28/2018 - 5:02 p.m. - 5:04 p.m.

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(If you look closely to the picture, one body stands atop the rock)