Decisions

I don't know what I want to do with my life--I never really have. And I'm nearing the end of when that indecision is acceptable. I could never choose how others did, favorite movies, and actors, and songs. Never. And I couldn't choose what I wanted to be. So I picked something, threw a metaphoric dart at a list of majors and slogged on from there.

It's not like I'm inept. In fact, I've always been a pretty fair hand at anything I tried. And maybe that's a piece of the problem. It's human nature to gravitate toward that which we do well, so where does that leave someone who's the same at everything.

Interest drives many ambitions as well, and I do have interests. But mine last for a day, or an afternoon, or an hour. Not a lifetime. One night I learned the names and locations of every country on the planet, because I felt like it. Most days I can't force myself off the couch.

The worst part of it all is the self-awareness, the knowing. Knowing the potential I have and my inability to use it. Seeing the unfulfillable deadline drawing slowly and relentlessly nearer. But on top of it all, what truly plagues me is holding in my soul the indisputable fact that my problem is not deciding what I want to do most with my life. It's that there is nothing I have ever wanted to do with it.