Dreaming of Freedom

I’m in the pit again.

It’s not completely dark down here, not anymore. I’m used to getting dragged down there, it was beyond my control, but now I’m wise to those wretched hands. I see them before they can grab my ankles - young, pale, but covered with broken skin, black dirt, chipped, sharp nails etruding from the swollen fingertips, drawing blood from my unscarred skin like secrets from a willing snitch.

My own body betrays me.

I see these hands now, and stamp on them. It’s not a permanent solution, but it gives me time to grab some things - books, fairy lights, a soft chair, some blankets, so I can decorate the pit a little and make it less dark.

The fairy lights, and a lamp with a flickering light bulb that needs changing, illuminate this area a little. My eyes are unfocused by shortsightedness, slightly blinded by tears, so the lights seem blurry and far away. I’m feeling more than geographical distance from you today...

I’m comfortable down here, but I can’t stay here for ever. But I can’t get out without asking for help. But I can’t ask for help.

Am I a coward? Perhaps. What scares me? Rejection? Being mocked, or dismissed? Or maybe I just don’t want to burden people with my problems anymore.

I feel trapped, not by the pit, but by all of you. I’m obligated to be your friend and include you in my life. If I’m not happy, then it affects you, which affects me, because I love you all so much. My personal god, Ganesha, the one I attempt to channel and embody successfully so that my soul grows towards him and eternal happiness, is the remover of obstacles. I may feel low, depressed, in a pit, but it’s counterproductive, it does not help me achieve my primary goal in life if I drag you down here with me. I’d rather stay stuck so that you can all be free.

Yet I want you here. With me.

I want all those compliments that I rejected before. I want you to tell me how much you love me, how much you value my existence, that you need me and want me to be happy. I want too much from you right now. It’s not fair.

Maybe I don’t want but need you, but you don’t need this. It’s depression without reason, it’s biological sadness, I am tired and this was probably something I could have prevented by sleeping more.

However, I couldn’t sleep last night. Or any night. Sleeping is not something I’m good at...but I could improve. I know how to, I know what I need to do, yet I don’t.

Why am I so irrational?

Why do you love me?

Why am I worth it?

I’m feeling a bit braver. I want to ask you these questions, I need to hear what follows your “because...”. I’m just scared I’ll annoy you so much that you’ll see the real me and will end this long distance relationship, as you should.

As you sit at your gloomy desk at work, unaware of the vicious cycle of thoughts running around in my head like lab rats on caffeine, you are rightfully undisturbed. I’ll sacrifice my chance for freedom today and I’ll stay in this pit. You are worth it. Today, I want you to be free of this burden. The burden of me. I hope you feel free, even though you aren’t.

I can deal with this on my own. I can process and eradicate this pain. I can and will liberate myself.

One day, I will have my freedom, and we will enjoy it. Together.

#challengeoftheweek #freedom #depression #mentalhealth #prosechallenge #prose