A Letter to my Dying Mother

Dear Mom,

I don’t really know how start this, or end it. This is all kind of new to me, I mean obviously but like the whole actually talking about everything. You and I both know that I’m not all that good at sharing my thoughts when it comes to this stuff. Lately, I’ve kept everything bottled up and not talked much about how I feel about all that is happening, or even about anything going on recently, so that’s the purpose of this letter, to say things that I need to say.

I want to start with a thank you. Thank you for being an amazing mother, and for raising me and doing so well with trying to be apart of my life even through the distance. Not going to lie though, it has been hard not being able to come home from school to talk about all the juicy gossip with my mom, not being able to have a girls day, prom dress shopping with a mom. Everything that most girls get to do, I have had to wait over a month to do with you. We have gone anywhere from a week, to three months, to six months’ time without seeing each other, and that is hard, especially as a teenage girl. And after your diagnosis it hasn’t been any easier. Hearing how the other is doing through facebook posts, telling each other what all is going on a day or more after things happened, is probably one of the hardest things you or I have ever had to do. It was so much easier when we lived together, and when I had first moved in with Dad.

When you told me about your diagnosis I felt… wrecked, sad, angry, even sorry. I felt sorry that this was happening, sorry that I didn’t talk to you as much as I used to when I called you every night. More than anything, I think I felt sorry as your daughter, your babygirl, your last born. You have three kids total, my brother barely talks to you, unless he needs help, my sister moved across the country, and I’m just here one state away. Three hours, and fifty-one minutes, plus breaks away. I feel sorry about the fact that I’m bad at Mother’s Day, your birthday, and Christmas, I always get a gift or a card, but I don’t do enough to show you that I love you and I’m scared that one of these years I’m going to have to buy one less present for each event.

I’m scared that I’ve failed you as a daughter, as a kid I always saved all of my papers, assignments, tests, projects, drawings, and stuffed as many as I could into a box. We’d look through them all together, I’d show you the things that I was proud of, hoping you were as proud as I was. Lately, though, I feel as if I don’t anything that I’m proud of enough to make you proud, and that breaks me. Yes, I get really good grades, I’m sort of involved in extracurriculars, band, and all that, trying to do what you asked of me when I started high school. You wanted me to be confident, and put myself out there and be involved, and I am trying, but it is so hard. The one thing that is extremely hard for me right now is talking to people about this, you asked me to not keep everything bottled up. So when my sister texted me yesterday and told me how she’s feeling about all this and that she wants to come home sooner, but can’t afford it, I felt like it was so easy just to open up about it even if it was just a tiny bit.

Before anything gets any worse I want to tell you a few things, but I don’t know how I would say it to your face. So I’m going to out it all in this letter. I want to say I love you so much, and I know that my childhood was just as hard for you as it was for me. I know my sixth grade year was the hardest times, in our lives, for the whole family maybe even more so than now. Back then things were hard, with Shalyn’s accident, with my situations, with stressing about money. Everything was hard, but you handled it so well, even if you don’t think you did. The accident was a good reason for you to have to stick around for a while, which lead to you moving back and building your relationship with my sister back up. The whole family situation showed both of us how strong we can be, and it built a better bond between the two of us, leading to us to find out more about each other. And the money issues were solved eventually. That school year, from October to May, was so important for us as a family and it is so similar to now. We all have had things going on individually, and with you being sick, I think that has kind of pushed my sister and I closer to you. We’re all coming back together again, money is tight yes, but we always figure things out. You are the best mother I could have ever asked for, and I’m glad that I got you as a mother. Thank you for loving me, teaching me, and putting confidence in me. I can’t wait to spend as much time as I can, reminding you how lucky I am to have you, and how thankful I am.

Thank you mom, I love you forever and always.