A Purpose.

And I finally understood.

Sure, I've been doing a lot better for myself lately. I've been slowly learning to love myself, but there's a long road ahead of me. Usually, I'll come to a road block.

I'll be entertained with an idea, and slowly, the idea will die.

I'll lose interest and fail and I'm right back at square one, asking myself what went wrong or that what I had my concentration on was never worth it to begin with. I'll never understand that part of me. It's always been there, and I know it will come back. I just have to wait for the next time. "Dreadful," and "worthless," come to mind when I think of that person.

There's another person, too. The person who waits for the dread and feelings of self-doubt remind me of a drama show addict. One that waits not-so-patiently for the next bad thing to happen, and almost wishing bad luck on their least favorite character. Yeah, that sounds about right. Only, the addict is me, and the show is my life. Two different identities combatting each other regularly. and its painful. I know those two will never leave my side though. I've come to accept that, but I'm trying to find the peace in the chaos. It gets old, even if it is comfortable in its own twisted way.

Self-worth has a lot behind it. Ultimately, how much do you love yourself? Enought to cut toxic people out of your life that you love and it hurts to lose? Enough to stop the good feeling habits that numbed you through the pain? What about choosing to live? Have you felt that much love for yourself? Self-worth means knowing your own boundaries. Self-worth means knowing when to put your foot down while still remaining humble. Most importantly, and commonly misunderstood, self-worth is not knowing your purpose, but instead creating a purpose for yourself, which means consistently creating. That gives your mind purpose. That gives you purpose.

I ache for the opportunity to create something beautiful. I just can't seem to think of what I want to say.

I think of what I want to say, but lack the way to portray it properly.

I think of the proper way to portray what I really want to say, and it never makes sense to anyone but myself. Maybe that's okay.

I finally understand. I understand my purpose.

"Are you searching for a purpose? Then write something, yeah it might be worthless. Then paint something then, it might be wordless. Pointless curses, nonsense verses. You'll see purpose start to surface. No one else is dealing with your demons. Meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend," -Twenty One Pilots