Weight We Cannot Bear

It’s a weight pushing down on me. An invisible force so powerful even the strongest men stagger under its load.

It’s the weight that keeps me up at night. I stay awake, constantly pressing against it, unwilling to let it crush me. I push against it cause its what I’m supposed to do. It’s what everyone wants me to do, but I’m not sure it’s what I want to do.

Sometimes it’s easy to fight it. Sometimes I can find the strength within me. Sometimes I can draw strength from others... Sometimes.

But most times I’m on my own. And most times I feel hollowed out. Empty. At times like that it’s easy to feel like letting go. Easy to hope for an excuse to stop fighting. ’Cause maybe if I stop pushing, stop fighting, stop struggling against this weight I’ll be full again.

So I stopped pushing, stopped trying, and let the weight crush me down, compressing and shattering what’s left of my soul. It was surprising how quickly I was destroyed. It took a few seconds for my entire self to splinter into fractions of what I used to be.

It’s as if I have pieces missing. And those missing pieces left holes for my good parts to escape and the bad to come rushing in.

My hopelessness came creeping around the corners of my mind. Then came the hatred poking holes in my heart. Following closely behind was self-doubt picking and pulling at my brain. And finally pain scratching it’s ever changing moods into my skin.

But when all those feelings had their fair share of fun they left through the cracks I didn’t try to patch up. And replacing them came a blanket of darkness. It was thick and ever growing, devouring what little light I had to begin with.

The thoughts and feelings that used to occupy my space were gone forever, unable to find their way through the darkness that replaced them. So here I still am, more hollow than ever before, left waiting for the darkness to swallow me whole.