The Darkened Emotions

Well here is the thing. People take my first impression to be someone who is jolly and happy all the time. They all think that I don't have any flaws in my life and that my life flows as smooth as melted chocolate (I mean couldn't get better than that). So people just compliment me with a lot of positive and happy attitudes. But they don't realize the darkened emotions that I bear in my heart and soul.

Back in my school times, I used to be "el top of the class boy". I used to earn good grades in my studies and be a nerdy person. On the other hand I was a very sensitive type of person. My friends would play fun stuff on me but I failed to realize all of that due to my sensitivitiness. Those fun became brutal and critical as days went by and eventually turned into bullying. These "friends" would ring me and start swearing and call me names. I later became frustrated with this and let go of them. But the words they'd say would still haunt me for days and eventually I did what I had to do- seek help. Interestingly no one came forward to help me! All that was left of me was to live with the pain trapped inside of me. From that day onwards, the scars inside found enough hope to be on the outside. I started to scar myself ust to increase the pain and be adjusted to it (consider it to be a form of conditioning). After a couple of months, this self harming has become something which is attached to me. I can not live without self harming myself everyday.

Now you might be asking, what is so secret about this? Well it has been roughly 7 years since this situation happened. Now I meditate to keep myself calm but on the inside, I literally hate everything going on right now. I don't and can't feel happy anymore. I just smile and laugh to show that nothing is wrong with me. Since nobody helped me before, I guess nobody would help me now anymore. I feel like as if this is a dream and some day I will wake up to find peace in another dimension...

Stay strong my friends. Don't give up just yet. It's not worth giving up life.