filling

I really hate myself. Going after things to only be disappointed how stupid am I? No amount of work I will do will ever make me more than….. this.. pathetic, miniscule excuse of a student, daughter, friend, whatever. I don’t know why people insist on asking me whats wrong just to feel like they’ve done their job and fulfilled the quota. Don’t ask me whats wrong because if I really spilled my darkest thoughts and someone saw even a glimpse of the things I truly felt, they would all shriek in fear and abandon me, like most of them have already done mentally. I'm so dense putting people in uncomfortable positions and Im so stupid forcing my unwanted fat disgusting trash into veveryone elses lives. Fuck grammar. Fuck order. There is none within me. All my mind is a jumble of dark thoughts wanting to be shared but constantly silenced by the cork of societal decency. Death will be my freedom. Death will be my only hope out of this mental prison. No matter what accomplishments I make, I cant add value. Death is calling for me, lusting for my corpse to join its collection, but like me, it must wait. Im only 17. Some people live to be almost 100 which means I could be dealing withthis shit for another 80 or more years. Please just take me now lord. Im waiting for the time when I will wake up with the sun shining down on me and I will ook back to these thoughts as a triumph of what I have overcome, but what if that day never comes? What if I am stuck in this forma d in this mental state forever? Are my problems that serious, no. But I would like to feel just a little more important than I do now.