The Revolution of the Raccoons

Before I begin I am legally required to inform you that this piece is official propaganda put out by the International Confederation of Raccoons. This fact by no means invalidates the sense behind our argument.

Have you ever wished that you could ignore all the niceties of social interaction? That you could do and say and eat whatever you wanted?

Have you ever wished that you could ignore basic hygiene, be a generally obnoxious jerk, and leave crap on your neighbor’s lawn without legal recourse?

Become a raccoon. We offer a multitude of attractive benefits to the everyday slob. Raccoons need not get education, a job, or a car. They can live anywhere they please, no matter who owns their chosen abodes before they do.

Raccoons are generally considered to be attractive. No makeup is necessary, as eyeliner is already genetically provided. Raccoons all also receive a beautiful striped tail and pointy ears.

Our urban raccoons are entitled to free catering services delivered to a number of established locations daily. Food cannot be chosen beforehand, but quality is guaranteed.

The troubles of humanity do not plague the majestic and fearsome Raccoon. Become one, and move with us into the future.

Disclaimer: Human response to raccoon activity may include traps, poisoning, and/or death. Annoy and infest at your own risk. The International Confederation of Raccoons is not liable for consequences of any such actions.