Two Lovers in Verona

I have nothing better to do. That’s what I tell myself at least, as I scroll through pages and pages of our conversations. Every comment on every picture, every voicemail message, and even that one time you wrote me a letter while I was on a service trip, no wifi allowed. It doesn’t feel like obsession, the way I focus in on each word in turn. I’m not looking for anything in particular, just an escape from a new to me kind of loneliness.

It’s funny in retrospect, how many clues there are in these digital love letters. It’s the kind of obvious that in fiction would be called foreshadowing and in real life is called hindsight. You were so desperate to love me. I can see that now that I’ve taken a step back. Now that I’ve realized that in truth you were desperate to love anybody and be loved in return. I can see it in your excess of italics, exclamation marks, and hyperbole. I love you more than life itself, you told me.

You’re as good as dead to me, but I still feel sorry for you.

It’s hard not to get stuck on the choices I made, and the choices I think I made, and how they’re all wrapped up in the idea of wanting freedom. Freedom from the constraints placed on me by my parents, freedom from my own self-consciousness, freedom from boredom, and on and on. But I was an easy target, and the more I look at the things I’ve done, I know how you’ve used me. Played me like a fiddle. We were helpless both of us, to our true natures. And yet despite the manipulation, I’d still call it love. How’s that for compulsion?

It’s more of a relief than I thought it would be, systematically deleting you from my life. Like it never happened. Like you never dragged me down with you.

This all might sound harsh, like I’m blaming you. I’m not. Fate has a funny way of sorting things out, and I see the strings now. Not cut yet, and still pulling us along. A warning of what happens after you've already found yourself playing with sharp things. A warning that is effectively useless, but appreciated nonetheless.

All this to say that I’ve learned my lesson. I hope you’ve learned yours.