A Murderer

3:36 am, 4/20/2011, Wednesday

It hurts my whole-body hurts. I open my eyes and I see the same ceiling I always see, I’m on the cold and dirty floor because if I try to sleep on a bed my father hits me and throws me out.

He beats me for a lot of reasons so I just don’t do anything anymore, my mother gets beaten too but she acts like she doesn’t mind it but when she is alone with me she cries, hits me and screams about how she loves him and other things.

My stomach growls and I flinch a bit, it’s dark so they are still sleeping and if I woke them up I can’t even imagine what would happen to me, but I am so hungry that the pain from my hunger is winning over the pain from the beatings.

It’s been a few days since I was able to eat some bread that dropped to the floor, I really want to eat but if I try to take some food my father would kill me. I keep lying on the ground and the pain is getting worse, I feel like I’m dying but I don’t even cry.

I feel powerless and empty, my body feels itchy all over and I smell like a decaying animal. I don’t know how much time passed but at some point, I started feeling tired, extremely tired and the pain started to fade away. I smiled when I thought “when the last time I didn’t feel pain was” and I started to tear up. Why was I born?? What is the reason for me to continue living?

NO, I am already born into this world! I will live! I don’t want to die, I refuse to die. I will do everything I can so I won’t die, I will not die here. I stand up and I struggle to stay up, my legs feel weak and I can barely feel the arm that supports me.

I try to move silently toward the kitchen avoiding all the trash on the ground. When I reach the kitchen I take a bag full of bread and take a bite of the bread. The taste of the bread in my mouth feels heavenly and I stuff the rest of it in my mouth, my stomach hurts from the food but I barely feel it.

My throat feels so dry so I drink some water from the bottle and the sensation of the liquid flowing down my throat made me shed a tear, I drink the whole bottle at once and I eat more of the bread. After all the bread is gone the reality starts setting in and I start panicking, once they wake up they will kill me, should I run away?

No, they will catch up in no time even if I have a lead I can´t run in this state. Should I try hiding somewhere? No, even if they don’t find me immediately they will at some point, getting help from someone is impossible there is no one living near us and those who are close by are the friends and family of my father and mother. They will not help me! I can't call the police because me or my father, none of us have a phone. He never brings his phone home so that I can't contact anyone.

My only chance is to kill them before they wake up but how can I do it. I notice the kitchen knife on the table and grab it, with this I can kill them but even if I’m able to kill one, the other one would wake up from the noise.

I remember the rope father is always carrying when he returns home, I could use it to tie down mother while I stab father to death, yes, I will go with this plan. I grab the rope from the ground and silently open the door to the bedroom, I put the knife in my pocket and tie my mother’s legs together and her arms, I take the knife out of my pocket and stab it right into my father’s throat, blood bursts from the neck and I turn the knife sideways and push it downwards with all my strength.

Covered in my father’s intestines and blood I start laughing hysterically. I am finally free from him, I can do what I want now without having to fear him and I can leave this rotten house. The smell from blood and entrails return me to my senses and I glance at mother, she is crying and trying to pull herself free from the rope.

My mother shouts a lot. I feel happy that he is dead now. Suddenly, I realize what I have done. I start crying, but I don't regret killing him at all.

“Why did you kill him?” Mother screams loudly, she probably has been for the entire time but I couldn’t even hear her.

“You little piece of shit I should have killed you years ago. You have been nothing but a nuisance your entire life and you will never be anything else, I will kill you.”

I walk next to her and she spits at my face but with all the blood on my face, I can’t even feel it. As I raise my knife mothers last words to me are “Jack, I hate you.” and I stab her in the neck.

I untie my mother’s corpse and pull it onto the floor, where she continues to bleed. I go to the bed and start sleeping.

Who knows what I will face tomorrow? I can not go back to the past! My Hands are already dirty!! whatever is beyond, its the fate of a murderer.