Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter

“Indelible in the Hippocampus is the Laughter.” — Dr. Christine Blasey Ford

I’m 5 and the other boys and girls in Mrs. M’s class point out the snot peering out my nose.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 8 and I fall on my face playing jump rope, skinning my knees and muddying my new pink dress.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 11 and yes, I am that girl anchoring our middle school’s morning announcements. I thought I looked awesome, no?

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 12 and I wish I was as graceful or as flexible or as pretty or as skinny as the other girls on my competitive dance team.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 13 and three boys in my science class are teasing me for who knows why this time and I can’t stop crying and the girls just look away and the teacher suggests I wipe my eyes in the bathroom and I run out with salty tears dripping into my mouth, gasping for air, and wondering why no one seems to care.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 14 and I’m in tremendous pain running a mile in 90-degree Florida heat and as I’m rounding the final curve of the track (woo, finally!), I realize that I’ll finish second-to-last and the other kids are betting if I’ll even make it.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 17 and I smile when they announce the winner for youth group president but oh wait that’s not my name, they’re celebrating for the other girl, the popular girl.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 18 and at my first college party and ew I don’t like the smell of beer and sweat and pot (is that pot?) and wow the music is so loud, I hate this, I wish I was back home and why is this guy grinding up on me, doesn’t he see I’m trying to escape the crowd?

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 20 and hanging out with some friends in our sorority house and my friend’s boyfriend is over and they’re drinking and what’s that, did he just slap my ass?!

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 24 and no, I don’t want to sleep with you, guy I met on OKcupid. Please, stop asking. Please, please, just take me home.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 30 and I’m watching my nation’s leader mock the bravest woman, a woman who’s reached into her heart, revealed a traumatic truth, and spilled her pain out out out for the world to see — all to protect us.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

I’m 30 and I don’t know how to live with the reality that my elected officials are lying and scheming and doing anything to stay in power, ignoring anguished cries and calls for justice, acting like their pain — our pain — is a lie, a nuisance.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.