The Three Me’s

Sometimes the hardest challenge is to just sit. To just be. For someone who has always felt slightly uncomfortable, unaccepting of my inner fairy, it is stress inducing to sit with her and allow her to play. However, I also hate the cadet who wears a tight collar and straight legged pants, stillettos that pinch the toes and cause a rigid walk. She often takes control, telling me when I can speak but mostly reminding me to hold back. The sad girl in the corner is always there, rocking back and forth, pushing at my eyelids so the tears will fall. I am astounded by this little child’s ability to wrile the cadet. They battle daily, as I wait on the sidelines to falsely congratulate the winner. I am not sure where the real me has gone but I suspect she has split into these three females and can only return if I am to make peace; combine their forces. Perhaps if they danced together under the moon, each taking their turn in the center before shifting gracefully to show off the talents of the others.

The thought of allowing them space to be, to accept that they are me and I am them, is daunting and laughable. When I picture them dancing, I invision more normal poeple coming to take my crazy brain away. Yet ignoring them does no good. They each have the nagging ability to remind me of their existence.

So today I allow them to dance. The fairy spreading her wings as her dress flows round and round. The cadet takes the fairy’s hand and not so much smiles but lets go of a frown. The little girl is hesitant because sadness and dancing don’t commonly exist. Her movements are slow as she raises her body off the floor and puts down her teddy bear. She walks to the center as the other two move back, allowing her enough space to dance in the light. Then the three Me’s hold hands, they swirl around, and laughter echos. They swirl until they become a flash of green light and tornado back into my heart. I open my eyes and for once I allow them to just be.