Holding Nothing Back

Let me begin by simple stating that I have no clue how to begin. I have no clue what this is, but here we are.

Writing is a big part of who I am. It’s something that I’ve been able to do very easily ever since I can remember. I’m not a person that can easily express her feelings, even if it seems at times that I do. That’s what’s so intense about social media, right? Intense, frightening, horrifying, amazing, blissful. The ability to share whatever the hell you want, with whoever you want, WHENEVER you want. That’s why it’s so evolving. That’s the key - right there. It provides an outlet for something else that you may feel you’re lacking in your life, or maybe it truly is just something you feel you want to share with the world for whatever reason! Kinda like this...I’ve felt this way for a long time now, and have only now gone into it thinking, “ok, maybe I’ll share it this time”. I can assure you the moment I finish writing this though, I’m going to have a hard time posting it. I’ve come close multiple times in the past with various things I’ve written, but alas I hold back...

And that’s something I’m sick of doing.

You know what - yeah. That's exactly what this is about. I'm done holding back, so here I am, I'm just simply going to write and see what happens.

If I could define myself in this very moment, I would say; I feel very sad.

I feel sad for many reasons - many reasons that I've felt sad over for years now.

I think what it really all comes down to is that things never seem to be enough for me. And by "me" I mean - many different parts of myself. After all the years of therapy I've had, over and over we've addressed that everybody has multiple parts of themselves. Of course. We have parts of us that are more shy, more professional, more dramatic, you name it. Well. I grew up basically having to almost literally be two different people.

And I think this all stems from that. As my last therapist used to say, "I'm never one for parent-blaming, because it's not their fault, they do the best they can with us, as their parents did with them". So no - by all means, hell no. I am never, nor would I ever. Blame my parents.

However, with that being said. I grew up having to be two different people. For those of you that don't know, my dad died when I was 14 years old. Can I just say right now - that is probably one of the worst god damn ages you could lose a parent. It's never a "good age" to lose a parent by any means. But. I'd like to argue it's a little different when you're just becoming a teenager. And as I type this very sentence, the more "critical" side of myself is chiming into my thoughts saying, "they're just thinking - 'my god, it's been like 10 years - let it go'".

Here's the thing - none of you are probably thinking that, but I am. That thought right there ^ came from me. No one else. Not once has one person, besides my 9th grade Spanish teacher, told me it's time to move on from that. (And for those wondering, yes, my Spanish teacher told me after about two weeks of my dad passing and me missing school because of it, "I think it's time to try again", referring to me forgetting to do one little homework assignment.)

^ See how that memory has stayed with me all these years? Because you never forget something like that. Regardless of whether or not he meant that as something genuine.

It stays with you. Just like me having to grow up with a dad who always expected you to be perfect, and being terribly frightened if you were anything less than that. My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade. I hardly remember any time when the three of us were together. It was always, dad's house and mom's house. Two completely different worlds. I walked on eggshells around my dad because he had a ton of anger issues that stemmed from his own childhood. I never heard anything about what it was like for him growing up, besides for the fact that he was miserable. His dad and him had a horrible relationship, and I think that really caused some issues.

But who hasn't? Here I am - talking about the issues I had with my dad. Don't get me wrong. He was the BEST dad. There was no one in the entire world he cared more about, than me. I believe it because I was consistently told that from anybody who knew us - but also because he was SO involved in my life, that of course. Of course I was his world. I don't blame him for anything. I never could and I never would. Because he will always be one of the strongest people I knew. He taught me how to be strong. He taught me that I have the potential to really be somebody if I want to be. He taught me how to be smart about my decisions, to be realistic in my thinking, but to be a dreamer. He never, not once, knocked down my dreams. Neither did my mom - so here we are.

I am living in Los Angeles, California. I am pursuing a career in the movie and television industry. I have, some would already say, "made it" just by being able to have my name in the credits of a major film. I absolutely love my current job. I have a decent apartment, a fridge stocked with food, a car that functions, and I have a group of really beautiful, talented, smart, driven, and passionate friends surrounding me here. Two and a half years ago, it was quite possible I was going to move here and not have any of those. So. I'd like to take this paragraph and say - thank you. To them. Because without them, I know I sure as hell would have not made it this far. They are basically part of my family, and without them I wouldn't really be the same me, as I am right now. So thank you - and I love you.

With that being said, things seem to still not be enough for me. And that is in no way, shape, or form, personal. To anyone.

It is...more of a seed that is implanted into my way of thinking. The only way that I know how to think.

It is...the days like today, where I feel hopeless. I feel as if I am not a whole person. That maybe I never was, a whole person to begin with.

I had my writing from a young age. That was and probably always will be my outlet. The only safe and true place where I feel as if I can hold NOTHING back.

And that's the theme of this little piece, right? Holding nothing back.

SO here it is:

I struggle with knowing who I am. Some days I look in the mirror and I have no idea who I am on the inside. I have put up a facade my entire life, trying to please people. Trying to impress people. Trying to "be somebody". Trying to be worth something (in my eyes). Trying to be skinny. Trying to be good enough (for who???). Trying to be skinny enough (did I already say that???). Trying to be smart enough. Trying to be outgoing enough. Trying to act as if I am always happy. Trying to hide my anger issues (that have continuously gotten worse over the years). Trying to love myself. Trying and trying and trying and ultimately; failing.

Because here we are. And I do not feel as if I have conquered any of those things.

If anything, trying so much has simply made it; impossible.

Trying to act like the fact that I had to help my dad up from the bathroom floor with his pants to the ground because he was having a seizure, but I couldn't lift him up on my own because I was only just a teenager, does not define who I am. Trying to pretend like being late to 9th grade behind-the-scenes theater rehearsal because my dad was having a seizure in the car after driving me, and needing to know whether or not to call 911 because he kept squeezing his hand so tight I thought it would break, does not define who I am. Trying to tell myself that I have now felt and seen the life drain out of two different, extremely important men in my life, but it doesn't define who I am. Trying to repeat to myself that the day my mom dies, I will not, nor should I ever take my own life afterwards, because her presence shouldn't define me (I have a real hard time with that one, and mom - you know what I mean). Trying to remember that everyone on this planet has gone through horrible things and has their own issues, and it should not, nor could it ever be compared to one another, therefore remembering that even that, does not define me.

I define me.

But it's not that easy. Nor will it ever be that easy. Probably for anyone.

Because whether I like it or not, some things are out of my control.

But not tonight. Tonight, I said I wouldn't hold back:

No I haven't gotten over the fact that my dad passed away. I haven't gotten over the fact that my uncle passed away. I haven't gotten over the fact that I had to be two different people growing up, and therefore I have a harder time figuring out who I truly am. I haven't gotten over the fact that yes, even though I'm proud of what I'm doing with my life, even though it is so incredibly, breathtakingly fun at times, I can still feel hopeless.

However, if there's one thing I've learned through this - and through writing this tonight, it's this:

I hold myself back a lot of the time. In everyday occurances. I'm not a super outgoing person, and I can be extremely socially awkward. I do tend to sacrifice my own happiness to please other people. And yes. I do not know exactly who I am.

And that's ok. Because someday I will.

Someday I won't hold back anymore, because I won't be so scared to disappoint people. I won't be so scared to make mistakes. Because it's human nature, and we all do these things. And we've all been through something terrible.

And that's ok too.

xo