Hi. I’m Awkward.

I’m Jameson. That’s not my real name though. I can’t tell you my real name. I can’t tell you I’m Schizoaffective either. The word Schizoaffective is scary and intense sounding. It even looks unsettling, maybe even a bit mysterious. Can you imagine how my corporate finance career would start to track if I pinned that word onto the top of my resume? Jesus. Someday I hope I get to do that, just to see the hilarity that would ensue.

Being a shy, introverted, sensitive soul has always been in my DNA. Even though my face blushes incessantly, I still like me… most days. I have a fiery, passionate side too. Or at least I used to, anyway. I don’t show it much anymore, outside of my writing. Not since I went off the deep end. To me though, what changed the most wasn’t that I actually went crazy. I just finally admitted to who I really am. I think living the past 35 years of my life pretending to be someone else is what was truly crazy.

But it is funny what one little hypomanic episode will do to everyone’s perception. Now, I have to pretend to be subdued all the time so I don’t raise concern. I can’t stray too far in either direction either. If I’m happy, I’m manic, and if I’m not, I’m depressed. Spending too much time walking right down the middle of the tightrope deems me dissociative. Standing up for myself gets me labeled narcissistic. Being a pushover makes me a prime candidate for having a personality disorder. My life right now is an advanced class in method acting.

Actually, I just found out I have Asperger’s Syndrome, according to my fiancé anyway. She even monitors my writing, my blog, and my twitter account behind my back to make sure I don’t run out of bounds. I would probably laugh about it if she wasn’t doing it for the purpose of building a case against me, just in case we separate. Custody battles get nasty. I found that one out the hard way. My fiancé and her lawyer dad kept my two young daughters from me for three months last year. Not because I’m not a great dad. They both admitted I am. Not because I don’t support my family. All I do is work and spend time at home. But because I broke off our relationship. Now that we’re back together, trying to work things out, I sure as hell better not say anything controversial. I always thought those closest to you were supposed to support your passions and desires, not hold them over your head.

At work, I pretend to be someone else. At home I try not to be me. So who am I really?

Well, I finally found out I fit in with the artistic crowd more than anywhere else. I want to be a writer. That’s right. I’m dragging all of you right down with me. Don’t worry… take it as a compliment. We’re the ones who are going to save the world someday.

All I want to do is make people smile and laugh. First, I pepper you with drama and depression to soften you up though, then I pounce. I know what it’s like to feel like shit half the time, and I wish I could make it so nobody had to feel misery ever again. Odds are high that I’m one of the least judgmental people you’d ever meet. I wish money and politics would just go away forever. I think we need to move past the inequality debates that persist between us. We are all one. Everyone is a human being. That’s where it should start and stop… there is no difference between anybody. I was the jock in high school who people thought less of because they assumed I thought less of them. They were wrong. I never thought enough of myself. Now I know we all need to think the most of each other.

I like to use my mistakes as teaching points for other people. Don’t assume anything. Always be yourself. I spent my whole life pretending to be someone else. Now, when everyone is concerned about me acting differently, and I think I’m finally acting normally, it’s a complete clusterfuck.

Earlier, when I said I’m Schizoaffective, I was telling you what one doctor thought. He landed on that diagnosis because I said I’m an empath and that I can feel the emotional energies of people around me sometimes. All my other testing came back normal, and two other doctors adamantly disagreed with him, even going so far as to laugh at the notion. Why did I lead with that point then? Because it sounds scary and intense, maybe even a bit mysterious. I was probably more intriguing to you back then. Am I a different person now in your mind? Probably only in that you don’t like how I misled you. I hope that’s how you feel. That’s the more concerning trait to be weary of. Lying, manipulating, and deceiving. In my corporate job, those are the behaviors I see every day in my interactions with a lot of the executives. Those people might find me strange and different, but they sure as hell scare the absolute shit out of me.

Yeah, I’m the weird guy who talks to animals and enjoys ghost stories. I genuinely believe in shamanism and spirituality, and nobody will ever convince me there’s such a thing as coincidence. Call me crazy if you want. I don’t care about that anymore. Today’s level of sane is frightening.

It’s a crazy world. I guess I fit right in.