college essay draft

I’m not sure if the essay got better or worse, but I tried to take @bonnieboo ’s advice of tieing the story back to my life now. Here is my revised college essay draft

My sandbox was no ordinary sandbox. It was massive, with fresh sand every few months, and lime green plywood walls. The various signatures and doodles crafted by my friends and I added a subtle touch of character, that preserved the memories we made there. My mom ran a daycare out of my house when I was too young for school, and my best friend Emma and her sister Megan also attended. As long as the weather was pleasant, we spent all of our time outside, the majority of which we devoted to hosting our very own sand castle contests. We battled it out, Megan, Emma, and I, for the best sand castle: my older brother, Travis, was always the judge. The goal (decided by Travis) was to make the best chair for him to sit on. As trivial and facetious as the task seems to an outsider, it was everything to us, we all wanted to win, and as soon we heard those three words, “ready, set, go…” we would become hyper focused on our castles. It was as if time ceased to exist outside the plywood walls of our sand oasis.

Determined to win, I would fill bucket after bucket with sand to the rim and carefully level the top to make it perfectly even. I would hoist the heavy bucket into the air and plop down a pristine pile of fresh sand. To my disappointment, as I slowly lifted the bucket to reveal the beautiful castle, it started crumble. The dry sand could not hold itself together. Observing this structural flaw, Travis decided to make the game interesting. Every few minutes, he would award one of us a bucket of water, knowing it was detrimental to making the castle strong. Or, if we were really lucky, we would be awarded the corner of the sandbox as a support for building up our castle. We were ecstatic about the water and covetted wall spot, however, Megan, despite being the oldest, was always given these advantages, which seemed far from fair.

When the time ran out and Travis yelled stop, I would anxiously await judgment. Even after all my hard work, Megan would win every time because of the advantages she was given.

Sand castle contests were my first exposure to life not being fair and having to work harder because of it. Having my castle stomped on until it looked like a pile of brown sugar, while Travis helped Megan build her castle made me frustrated, but more determined to win. Instead of crying or giving up, I decided it did not matter that Travis favored Megan; I would make up for it by doing even more. Emma and I would pack our sand tighter, think of new strategies for sculpting the perfect castle, or even work together to beat Megan. Eventually we started to win too, and we were proud of ourselves for not giving them the satisfaction of making us upset.

As a young kids, we are often masked by innocence, and do not realize how lessons carry with us in life. However now that I am more mature, I realize that those sand castle contests had a larger impact on how I carry myself and act currently. This past fall, I suffered a serious concussion during field hockey when I was slashed in the head repeatedly with a stick while diving to save a goal. In an instant, I went from planning for my future; exploring various career options and colleges, to struggling just sit in a dark room by myself. My head injury plagued me with constant excruciating pain for weeks, blurred vision, dizziness, nausea and a plethora of nasty symptoms. I was forced to sit back and watch as my senior season of field hockey passed before my eyes, and the new goalie struggled to make saves. The hardest part is that people cannot see that I am hurt, so they expect the same from me that they always have even though I know this is not my full potential. As understanding as people try to be, I can tell by the expression on everyone’s faces, that no one truly grasps the agony I am in. I have to make up weeks of work in school, go to dozens of doctors appointments, and suffer through physical therapy twice a week. My concussion has been a monumental set back for me, but once I am healed, and I have persevered through the hours of work and frustration, it will feel so incredible to know I made it through.

It is not fair that I have a concussion, but I still have to suffer the consequences. Just like the sand castle contests from my youth, life is not always justified. The things in life I have to work hard for are the accomplishments that mean the most to me. Struggling to do something and fighting to the end makes it so much more rewarding to me. I have also learned that as courageous as it is to be independent, and strong, it is okay to need water to keep my sand castle from crumbling. By accepting help from my guidance counselor, I have learned how to make a comprehensive plan with my teachers, and to advocate for my needs. Also, I have learned that the only true solution to catching up in school is hours of hard work and discipline, and that I will have to work tirelessly to compensate for the time I have missed. I am lucky to have such an amazing support system and to have also learned how to help myself, because I refuse to let my castle crumble.