Things I Don’t Understand: A Grocery List

I really don’t understand myself. I am intelligent, yet I feel useless and ignorant. I am talented, yet I feel invisible and insignificant. I am beautiful, yet I feel constantly inferior. I don’t understand my lack of patience with others. Although that isn’t 100% true is it? Simultaneously, I don’t understand my willingness to be pushed around and stepped on. How do I consistently contradict myself in such vital ways? Is this not indicative of cognitive dissonance? How can one be hard but also WAY TOO soft? Full of potential, yet so useless? I suppose I will wrestle with this forever.

I don’t understand depression. My mind becomes an empty elevator, while my thoughts flee to my heart and my emotions become lodged in my throat like a dripping garbage bag that was stuffed too full. I don’t understand how I feel as though I could conquer the world at 1pm, yet feel like a slave by 5. I don’t understand trying so hard to be grateful, yet remaining as bitter as the world’s last lemon. I don’t understand why good things happen to me if they are only going to taste of baking chocolate instead of victory. I don’t understand why bad things happen to me, when I’ve suddenly lost my taste buds.

I don’t understand my complete inability to find joy in things other than those listed below: cats, coffee, music, and the company of ONE other intelligent human. Without these things surrounding me constantly, I would be as flavorless and grey as bread and butter, or a coat of beige paint. I don’t understand my complete disassociation from ones I’m supposed to love. I don’t understand why I think SO differently and am forced into social exile. I don’t understand how I can be so outspoken, yet so uncomfortably unsure of every breath. I don’t understand how I can care SO MUCH it seems maddening, yet as little as the tip of a pen.

And all this, is just the tip of my pen.