Quarantined

What is ’monia anyway?  Why can't grownups make up their minds? Is it a sickness or is it a cleaner? I wanted to ask Doc Schaeffer if he was saying it wrong cause how could I be sick with the stinky stuff my mother wipes the bathroom with?  That makes no sense. Am I stinky too? Will I make Santa and the reindeer turn around and ruin the whole entire Christmas for all of them? I said that to Momma and she laughed and said not to worry. She said it is definitely a sickness and Santa will definitely still come, but I'm not so sure.

All the candy canes I want.  That's what Momma said. If I wasn't sick, that would make me very very happy, but right now even a million billion trillion candy canes won't make me be happy, because how am I supposed to be happy sick and alone in my room and besides my stomach and throat say no.  Oh Momma will come up. She's been coming up alot. She even cried a little when Doc Schaeffer told her I must keep away from my brother and my sisters. He used another funny word that Momma said means she has to keep me separate from them. I think it starts with a q and we all know q words are hard.  My brother and sisters were nice and made me a pretty Christmas card that said very nice things about me, even about love. The sparkles are pretty but I don’t like it that they stick to my fingers.

Johnny said he wanted to sneak up to my room and sit with me, but Momma always figures everything out and she won't budge.  She says I have germs and I know germs are something not good. Maybe Santa will know about the germs too. Will germs keep him away? Johnny said germs are stupid and Momma says that's a bad word.  Momma told me not to be sad, and I don’t want to be sad, but how do I stop feeling sad when I can hear Jimmy singing Frosty the Snowman and Jingle Bells with Ashley and Monica and not me.

Every year all of it is the same, cept this year will be different cause I will be in bed and Nana will not come.  She went down in the dirt and I didn't like that one bit. When I asked Momma if Nana was scared to be down in the dirt all by herself, Momma said that's a silly thought, cause she can't feel anymore now that she's passed.  I passed my math test and I can still feel everything, especially this ’monia. Why is Nana different?

All of it is happening; all of this Christmas time without me.  Who will hang my baby ornament that says Jane's first Christmas?  And Daddy said last year I hung the tinsel better than all of them and then he even let me light a match for the fireplace. Monica doesn’t get to light a match.  She always screams like a baby when the burning wood cracks and she’s bigger than me. Not me. Johnny and I like fire and we laugh at Monica together and that's why I know he likes me best.  Momma said I couldn't have the cocoa neither. She said it would make me throw up and I don’t think so. It's not the kind from the packet. Momma makes it on the stove, real slow, stirring around and around till it's just right.  The marshmallows and whipped cream on top are the best part and Momma says for me to take my time with the best part. What good is it, she says, if you don't make the best part mingle with the whole cup. She never likes it one bit when we waste.  No, this Christmas will not be the same for me, not for Nana neither, cept I'm above the dirt all alone in my bed.

Maybe Santa hears wishes like Jesus hears the prayers.  If so, Santa, I am really wishing that you will still come ‘round and make Christmas special like you always do.  I am a little bit mad and maybe a little bit bad, because I don't listen when Momma says don't be sad about ‘monia, because I still am, and not just about missing all the fun for me. If you don't come ’round for them on account of me, that will make me a whole lot a bit sad.  Like a million billion trillion sad.