The Gift of Christmas

It was the happiest time of the year. Yet, for Jannie Gray, it was not. She looked over at her tiny tree and tried to feel grateful, as her self-help books suggested. But all that she felt was loneliness and despair. She had searched the Bible and joined a church. But when a deacon tried to kiss her and made unwanted advances, she decided she was done with the hypocrisy.

Jannie was 5’3” with murky brown hair and severe acne scars on her face. She might have been less traumatized if her grandmother had not constantly reminded her of her skin condition. At every interaction Grammy Kate would ask. “Isn’t there something you can do for that condition? No man wants scarred goods. You need to do something about that.” If she had not been such an introvert it might not have mattered so much. But she didn’t really have many friends and she felt so uncomfortable in her own skin. She didn’t know how to beat this shortcoming.

She turned to yoga and the study of Eastern philosophy. It made sense to her and her friends said the Bible was a crutch for weak-minded people anyway. She started to wonder. Maybe they are right. She decided to follow a different path to enlightenment. But it left her feeling hollow and alone. Jannie walked to her closet and pulled out the rope she hade so carefully prepared two days ago.

She had fanaticized about how it would feel against her neck, slowly blocking and warmly cutting off the air supply to the point it felt hugging instead of choking. The thick white nylon rope was tied perfectly with seven crisscrosses of the thread to ensure that it would hold her weight. She had measured the distance so as to get the perfect length. She had even tried on the noose to get it just high enough that when she stepped off the little wooden stool, it would work properly. She was wearing socks at the time and nearly lost her footing. She should have been terrified of the possibility. But she wasn’t. She sat on the steps staring at the rope thinking of the comfort it would bring. There would be an end to her suffering.

Today was different. It was Christmas Day. Jannie had prepared for this time. She had decided to wait until Phil, her boyfriend of 8 years finally ended their relationship. She wanted to be sure that there was no hope for her. She knew it was coming, but there was a sliver of hope that he loved her enough to ride out the storm.

He was all she had in this world. She had fantasized about their wedding. But she could feel that lately he was shrinking away from her. On Christmas Day, he left a message on her text messaging. “I’ve decided to move on from our relationship. I wish you the best.” She was devastated. She felt the ground beneath her fall away when she read it. At first, she couldn’t breathe. Then she couldn’t ……….do anything at all. Her world simply fell apart.

She picked herself up and walked to the closet. She pulled the new pristine white rope from its hiding place in her closet. She affixed the handle to her door, assuring it would hold her weight. Then carefully placed the rope over the hall stairway. She found the stool and placed it so that it would fall away in the right direction, leaving no options. Then she sat and stared at what she had assembled. She pondered one last time, “Do I really want to do this?”

She remembered her mother in a nursing home for Alzheimer’s and was even more sure of her answer. Jannie slowly stepped up onto the stool and slid the noose over her neck. She thought about the article she found which said hanging deaths occur in about 8 to 13 seconds. It sounded like such a short time of suffering to end the massive amounts of suffering, loneliness and devastation she was feeling. It would be such a relief. She thought.

Jannie took the small step and let go. Immediately she found herself gasping and trying to breath one more breath. Her hands were involuntarily grasping at the rope trying to find a way to release its hold. But the knot was well tied and it would not budge.

Jannie felt the terror as she realized she did not want to die. But it was too late. She could not stop it now. Her vision began to blur as she pulled frantically at the rope. She heard a loud crash just as it all faded to black.

The light slowly came back into focus. Jannie began to gasp for air as she ripped the noose from her neck. In her confusion, she looked around and wondered what happened. Then she looked up and saw that the rope had come loose from the door and at the last moment it had saved her life.

Suddenly, she seemed to have a new lease on life. Maybe it wasn’t all about becoming something like a wife…maybe it was about just being a good human and taking care of yourself. Her Bible became her new comfort. When she was feeling lonely or depressed, she read. She knew she had a long way to go but she was still standing and breathing and she felt that was more than half of the battle. She knew she had to just keep making it through one day at a time until this terrible time passed. There would be good days ahead but she just had to keep breathing.