Defining What Mentoring Isn’t
There are a lot odd preconceived ideas about what mentoring is. The following explains what mentoring isn’t.
1) Mentoring isn’t merely friendships. Friends do contribute to personal growth but often in a passive and less intensive ways than intentional mentoring relationships. Whereas friendships can always be a by-product of mentoring, it isn’t the primary goal.
2) Mentoring isn’t therapy. Counselors can certainly help people through growing pains in a very focused relationship, but the skills and certification often required make the relationship strictly professional.
3) Mentoring isn’t about re-parenting. Without question, the parental relationship is the most impacting growth relationship that anyone can experience and may include mentoring characteristics. However, the learning that occurs through a parental relationship may not be as intentional, or as limited, as a structured, task/skill learning experience like mentoring.
4) Mentoring isn’t modeling. A person you have never met or only seen from a distance can be a model, but it doesn’t fulfill the one-on-one developmental nature of mentoring. Biblical characters, historical figures, and modern leaders can be great models to learn from and emulate, but they are more than likely, not mentors.
5) A mentor is not all-knowing. No one but the mentoree knows what it is like to wake up every day in their situation or handle the realities of their daily life. A mentor who comes in with an “I know best” agenda, runs the risk of losing the trust of his mentoree or offers up ineffective advice.
6) A mentor is not a tutor. It’s tempting for mentors who see their mentorees failing, to want to turn themselves into super tutors. A mentor can be there to offer resources and provide help, but, if and only if—and when, the mentor wants it.
7) A mentor isn’t a provider. This is worth repeating since that scenario is so easy to present itself in a mentoring relationship, in any challenging environment. As a mentor you have an important role in a mentoree’s life—but it isn’t as a source of financial support. This is a value which needs to be addressed before things begin. By freeing the relationship from monetary dependency, it allows it to grow without any undue pressure or expectation. If asked, you can find other resources for support, or even serve as advocates, but taking on a role of direct financial support will jeopardize the relationship.
8) A mentor isn’t a savior. It is much more important to focus on the relationship than on goals and salvation, enrichment, or betterment. Goals come only after relationship—and you never know exactly what those goals could/would be. For a mentoree, a positive relationship may be the inspiration to go after a vocational training program or a productive career-minded goal. For another, it just might be in giving him/her the comfort in knowing that there has been one source of support in his/her life; just that feeling alone can have powerful impacts.
To Review:
A mentor is a caring guide, a wise advisor, a partner on the journey with the mentoree.
A mentor can serves as a mirror for the mentorees. You can show mentorees who they are—and all they can become.
A mentor is one who can help the mentoree feel comfortable in their own skin and appreciate their gifts while at the same time, exposing them to new opportunities and ways of thinking.
What makes a mentor “a mentor”, is not that they are perfect or always know exactly what to say, but that they are able to form a strong connection with their mentoree. This connection can serve as a catalyst for positive change and growth.
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The “F” Word
Here it is, the dreaded F word, but we aren’t talking the four letter one we’ve heard countless times throughout our lives. In this case, it’s about a seven-letter word, and every bit as lethal when misused. Failure.
One person once said, “All my life, people have said I’d never amount to much.” Too often what we feel we amount to is no more than the sum total of other people’s opinions of us.
The dictionary defines failure as: a state of inability to perform a normal function adequately, and also—a lack of success.
I like that last one because at the least unexpected moment, the hammer could drop, and everything a person has worked hard for could be gone—in a single heartbeat. Family, home, social status, money—gone. And we hear the echo of the man saying, “All my life, people have said I’d never amount to much.” People will be convinced that person was a failure. And deep within themselves, they will feel the same way.
The reality though, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of us. It only matters what we think of ourselves. You may have failed many times, although you may not remember; it’s part of growing and learning. You fell down the first time you tried to walk. You almost drowned the first time you tried swimming. Did you hit the ball the first time you swung a bat? Heavy hitters, the ones who hit the most home runs, also strike out a lot. Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times, but he also hit 714 home runs.
Failure is no more than a state of mind, a perception, an attitude, a learning experience, a bump in the road of life. Some of the4 biggest names in business failed.
Ray Kroc failed in real estate before creating MacDonald’s.
Henry Ford’s first two car businesses failed.
Ako Morita and Masura Ibuka (two people you probably never heard of before), invented an automatic cooker that ended up burning rice; everyone called them failures. Later, they built a tape-recorder for Japanese schools that laid the foundation for a company you have heard off: SONY.
It’s been the same throughout history.
Socrates was called “An immoral corruptor of youth”.
Beethoven’s music teacher called him hopeless as a composer.
Thomas Edison’s teachers said he was too stupid to learn anything.
Albert Einstein didn’t speak until he was four years old and he couldn’t read until he was seven. His teachers said he was mentally slow.
One of the greatest football coaches and motivators of all time was referred to by a sports authority, “He possesses minimal football knowledge and lacks motivation.” The coach: Vince Lombardi (For those who don't know, The Lombardi Trophy is given to the football team who wins the Super Bowl each year and he also coached the Green Bay Packers to the first two Super Bowls in which they won).
Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor for lack of ideas and went bankrupt several times before Disneyland was built.
Oprah Winfrey was fired from a TV station contending she would never make it as a reporter.
The Original Colonel Sanders spent years traveling across the country to find someone interested in his fried chicken recipe.
Abraham Lincoln failed at just about everything he attempted, but he never gave up, never gave in.
Even former prison inmates such as Merle Haggard, Steve Earle and Johnny Cash, all served time for drugs or robbery. Hip-Hop artists and rappers, they all went on to becoming music icons.
A good case in point is the actor Danny Trejo. He left behind a history of gangbanging, drugs and heavy violence, and practically his entire body is covered over with scars and tattoo’s, and, if you ran into him in a dark alley, it would be like stepping into a nightmare. Today, Trejo’s name is practically a household word, and for years has been a sought-after character actor in Hollywood. (As of late, he has done several commercials for Sling TV.)
But even if you don’t aspire to be famous, what if you just want to be the best father? Best mother? Best husband or wife? Or the best son or daughter? Best friend? That to me is far better than being famous. But it will take persistence with the mental attitude of never giving up, never giving in.
Consider this: There is no such thing as failure, only results!
Failure is just a means of describing a situation we did not want … so, redirect the efforts. Being a mentor and being a mentoree is a step in the right direction.
Bill Marriott of the Marriott stated, “Failure? I never encountered it. All I ever met were temporary setbacks.”
Oh, and the guy who made the statement, “All my life people said I’d never amount to much?” This man was once homeless, living out of his car, and often tempted to steal something to eat. As of June 2018, Forbes Magazine lists this man’s net worth at just over $600 million dollars. His name: Tyler Perry.
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The Four Agreements
Be Impeccable in Your Word
Speak only with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can transform your life.
Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to being sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret — Don Miguel Ruiz
Miguel Ángel Ruiz Macías, better known by his pseudonym as Don Miguel Ruiz, is a Mexican author of Toltec spiritualist and neo-shamanistic texts. His work is best-received among members of the New Thought movement that focuses on ancient teachings as a means to achieve spiritual enlightenment. He is currently 66 and now resides in Nevada.
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Next Time:
Exploring Diversity
Character
Four Friends: A Story