Exploring Diversity
There is perhaps no greater issue of diversity that that which is intrinsic in every mentoring relationship—that of age and experience. Forming relationships with mentoree’s on an intimate, daily level involves constant interaction of worlds which can collide, overlap, intersect, or intertwine. In mentoring, we are often called on to deal with all these issues within an individual friendship. Mentors will likely be challenged with issues of diversity which you probably did not imagine when you first signed up for this daunting task. It is best to be as prepared as possible for the culture shock which you will encounter as well as to serve as constant sources of guidance and support throughout the process.
What Constitutes Diversity
Diversity within mentoring can be defined as any significant, personal or cultural difference which has the potential of affecting the development of the mentoring relationship. It is important to realize that diversity is broader than simply ethnic or religious distinction. Instead, there are many elements and components of diversity. These include:
Country of origin
Age
Level of education
Religion/culture
Generation
Socio-economic background
Color of skin
Level of acculturation (cultural and psychological changes)
Marital status
Sexual orientation
Why Is Diversity Training Relevant
Diversity training is not only relevant because we live in such a diverse community; it is relevant because it can affect every aspect of a mentoring relationship, from before it begins to how it progresses and develops. Issues of diversity deal with fundamental issues of human understanding and interaction. When we meet someone new, it is a natural part of our process of learning and understanding and to immediately inquire: where the person is from, where they live, do they have family and so forth. These questions occur naturally and immediately, whether or not we acknowledge them.
There is a natural need to understand the world, our community and each other by organizing information into categories that make sense. The danger is that we can categorize based on our own limited experiences and understanding of the world. This can lead to erroneous conclusions which can negatively impact the mentoring relationship.
The goals of including diversity in your mentoring training should be to prevent diversity from becoming an obstacle to relationship development. It should alert mentors to hear their own values as well as bias, introduce you to area of possible conflict and provide you tools to address the issue. Moreover, it should introduce you to communication skills which can help develop your relationship in spite of and perhaps because of differences.
Therefore, the goal on diversity should be:
Help you become aware of the importance of diversity as an issue in mentoring.
Help you assess and be aware of your own culture, who you are, and what you bring to the relationship.
Help debunk any assumptions about those you will be serving by developing a through understanding of the mentoree with whom you may be working with.
Help you develop a strategy of communication that will allow you to bridge the gap on diversity gaps and turn the issues into opportunities for growth instead of barriers to relations.
The single most important aspect of promoting understanding across differences is understanding oneself—one’s own values, beliefs, perspectives, choices and early messages about people who are different. Often, we unconsciously judge others according to our internal assessments of what we did or would do in a similar circumstance. We extrapolate how we would feel and what our priorities and values would be. When we become conscious of how our own experiences inform our judgements, we can critically test our assumptions about others.
Honoring the Mentoree’s Right to Self-Determination
Self-determination is the right that every human should have to make decisions for themselves. This concept can become tricky and confusing when mentorees are already having decisions made for them and without their consent (parent to child, employer to employee, a judge handing down a decision), is an issue many people are all to familiar with. It makes things difficult for them to believe they cannot be believed they can be trusted to make decisions, or even have a right to make a decision, and this comes about as they aren’t offered the opportunity to exercise those decisions. Herein the challenge of a mentor, in part, is to help a mentoree develop these skills to learn to make their own responsible choices.
Below are a few tips for promoting and respecting a mentoree’s right to self-determination. The idea is to process whim him/her, so they understand what the implications might be of any particular course of action, and to help them discover what is important.
This is vital as it communicates respect and trust; it’s especially important to the mentoree’s development where it builds healthy decision-making skills. These concerns should and need to take precedence over a focus of changing behavior or influencing the mentoree’s course of action.
Focus on the feelings and needs rather than jumping to problem-solving.
When an issue has been talked about, ask, “What do you think you would like to do about this situation,” and “How would you like for me to help?”
If you aren’t comfortable with what he/she wants to do, ask yourself why, before you decide whether to say so.
If what he/she wants to do isn’t possible, explain gently and with sensitivity.
Ask what alternative solutions would make him/her comfortable.
Encourage and promote critical thinking through questions and reflections.
Use the words: “I don’t know, what do you think?”
Once you have successfully addressed the mentoree’s feelings and processed with the mentoree in a way that honors his/her need for self-determination, you can assist the mentoree in locating resources and other options. It’s important at this stage that you be prepared to assist, but that you may be needed when appropriate if and when other issues may come to the forefront.
Character
Volumes have been written on character, and the need for it in any successful person’s life. But is it possible to build character? As part of preparation for mentoring service, it is incumbent upon us to consider the question.
We don’t have to look far to see what a man must do to develop bulging biceps and perfect pectorals. Ask any weightlifter and they will tell you it requires a disciplined workout schedule and the right kind of diet.
Strength of character doesn’t come automatically either. It’s developed over time as a person exercises wisdom in staying on the right pathway and maintains their moral compass of direction.
In the Bible, the apostle Paul uses an analogy of athletics when he wrote: “Everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things … therefore, I run not with uncertainty. Thus I fight not as one who beats the air, but I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others. I myself should become disqualified.” I Corinthians 9:25-7. Accordingly, as mentors, we can guide and teach what we know, and guide by our own moral compass.
The question might be asked, what exactly is strength of character? To some extent it can be equated with spiritual maturity. It is that, and much more. First, we need to define character. D. L. Moody maintained, “Character is what you are in the dark.” Character is what you are really like, not the coverup that you allow others to see. Character is what guides your actions and speech. Character is your unique identity, the sun total of your individual characteristics, the qualities that a potential mentoree will either be drawn to or, stay away from.
Character can be good or bad. Strength of character refers to good character, a person who stands for what is right, who has backbone to express and live out his/her convictions. And these same qualities are part of what is expected in an effective mentor.
Additionally, strength of character reflects a consistent, proper self-image, and a life that expresses the qualities that we would hope to see in someone else who could be mentoring you. Much of what produces strong character includes self-confidence, consistency, training, the right priorities, and following the right example.
We should determine if these disciplines are being applied in our daily lives by taking Personal Inventories. It needs to be noted that these character traits have less to do with intellectual ability and formal education but has more to do with one’s own moral code. These are qualities we should all be working to improve upon regardless of our culture, backgrounds, or religious training.
Here are several character traits to consider:
Temperate. To remain stable, with clear thinking, with a balanced life.
Sober-minded. Being sensible in action and exhibiting sound judgement.
Of Good Behavior. Be respectable and honorable in all actions.
Gentle. To be gracious, kind, forbearing and considerate.
Hospitable. Help those in need, friendly. It also means (Greek term), “Loving strangers.”
Lastly: Ask yourself this question … What are you doing to develop strength of character in all aspects of your life?
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Now, as promised, a story called: Four Friends. As to who originally wrote this, I haven’t been able to find out, as there are several variations on this theme.
Once upon a time there was a girl who had four friends.
She loved the fourth friend the most and adorned him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.
She also loved the third friend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.
She also loved her second friend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.
The girl's first friend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first friend, although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him!
One day, the girl fell ill, and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, 'I now have four friends with me, but when I die, will I be alone.'
Thus, she asked the fourth friend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?
'No way!', replied the fourth friend, and he walked away without another word.
His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.
The sad girl then asked the third friend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No!', replied the third friend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!' Her heart sank and turned cold.
She then asked the second friend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the second friend. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'
His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.'
The girl looked up, and there was her first friend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
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In truth, you have four friends in your lives:
Your fourth friend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.
Your third friend is your possessions, status and wealth. When you die, it will all go to others.
Your second friend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your first friend is your spirit. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, your spirit is the only thing that will follow you wherever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you throughout eternity.
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Thought for the Day: Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.
Next Up:
The Scope of Mentoring
Foundation of Mentoring: Relationships