Alive At Last

I've heard say that you are never more alive than when death is but a step away, and I can see that. I can see that illuminating light that never burns brighter than a moment before it is extinguished forever.

I have lived it on two occasions and can say that at those exact moments my mind was in turmoil.

First time that heart attack hits, it catches you always when the last thing on your mind is death. You're doing your thing and concentrating on some mundane triviality and suddenly your breathing becomes laboured, your chest tightens, and before you can say what the fuck you're caught up in a boiling vortex that leaves you breathless and struggling to survive.

The other time I was watching TV and eating a sandwich, some food become lodged in my throat and I couldn't breath, everything stopped as my brain struggled to get me breathing again but all I could do was feel the heat, gagging, desperate for air and slowly turning blue. Suddenly, I swallowed the wedge of meat and air flooded into my lungs as Death smiled and walked away. Man, that was beyond intense.

So then I have come close and I know that normality can stop at any time. It's scary. Proper scary.

Any one of us can surrender our lives at any time and be hurled into an eternity of nothing without even being aware of it, and it's that suddenness that sends shudders up my spine.

But should it? I'm assuming that when you are dead, you don't know that you are dead, so is it that different from life?

We go about our day to day business habitually do we not? We set alarms to wake us up, to remind us of things and we attend functions, and parties and go swimming all with a rehearsed normality that precludes the need for thought, thus freeing our brains to remember more important things, like saving money, paying bills or making small talk.

Occasionally we are as I am now, enjoying the last days of my holiday, and jolly nice it is too. But, although we live, how appreciative are we of it? How often do we stop for a moment to savour the fact that we are living, sentient beings? I never do, I'm far too busy catching Pokemon, or shovelling burgers into my face, or babysitting (that's enough babysitting!).

Ask yourselves a question here, what does it feel like to be alive?

Go on, do it. Does it feel good or not so good? I myself cannot answer that because I just....am.

So how can I describe life?

Life is a series of adventures that culminate in Death. Well, yes, I could put it that way and I wouldn't be too far off the mark. But life is different for everybody isn't it?

We are given a chance to experience it, a fleeting opportunity to breathe air and walk on grass, to gather rosebuds. Life is truly a gift.