Water for the Soul

"He left everything to her?" Jonah spat vehemently, pacing the floor. "This must be some kind of mistake. I'm his son." I watched Jonah in his expensive tailored suit and Italian leather shoes. If he kept pacing the way he was, he'd burn a hole in the floor.

            "It says so right here," Jameson, the family lawyer and long-time friend, said. I could hear the uneasiness in his voice. This was difficult news for him to give. He watched Jonah grow up and now he had to tell him that he had nothing coming to him, but the trust fund he was eligible for in one year when he turned eighteen.

            "This has to be a mistake! He wouldn't leave her anything!" Jonah's voice began to waver and my heart ached for him. I wanted to reach out to him and hold him, but it would only upset him more. He didn't want that kind of comfort from me. He stared at me with daggers in his eyes and fists clenched so tight that his knuckles were turning white. "You did this, didn't you?"

            I looked at Jonah with a pained expression on my face. Couldn't he see that his disdain for me hurt me? Couldn't he tell from the moment I laid eyes on him I loved him? It couldn't be that hard to tell, could it? I averted my eyes for a split second, trying to think of something to say to trigger some sort of compassion in him. "No, I didn't. I loved your father very much. I love you too, Jonah."

            "Yeah, that's a likely story. You tell a lot of stories, don't you? Trying to fill my head with lies, the way you did my old man, huh?" Jonah finally sat in the chair adjacent to mine and looked at Jameson, "What am I supposed to do now, man? Where am I to go?" He rubbed his hand over his face and I could see his eyes glistening with tears.

            Clearing his throat, Jameson offered, "You could stay with Veronica. After all, she is your -"

            "No!" Jonah jumped up from his seat again. "Don't you dare say that Jameson!" By this time, real tears escaped Jonah's eyes and every fiber in my being wanted to console him, but I remained quiet and still. "My father is dead and you think she will take care of me?"

            His words hurt me. He referred to me as if I were just some random person off the street trying to take money that belonged to him. I could care less about the money to be honest. The one thing I really wanted, I couldn't buy. "Jonah, please listen to me for a second," I spoke carefully and pointedly, "I know you may never want me as a part of your life, but let me take care of you. It's the least I can do."

            "The least you can do? Really, Veronica? Let me save you the trouble. Don't do anything. You're good at that." He began to pace again.

            I looked at Jameson who was looking at me expectantly. Our relationship was always a rocky one and I could tell whose side he was on. Legally, his hands were tied and he had to follow Parker's wishes as outlined by the will. "Veronica, you need to get a handle on this. Jonah needs someone and that someone should be you."

            Jonah stopped in his tracks and turned to face Jameson. "You have got to be kidding me? Once she gets her hands on my father's money, she'll be off in some tropic somewhere, getting high or something. She doesn't need me holding her down. Isn't that right, Veronica?" Jonah had this weird look on his face that I couldn't quite place. It was like a mixture of malice and delight. It was as if he was pleased he slipped in that comment about me getting high in front of Jameson.

            "Jonah why don't you step outside and let us adults talk amongst ourselves for a while," Jameson suggested. While doing without Jonah's outbursts would be less heartbreaking, it is hardly a reprieve. Jameson wouldn't skirt around the issue at hand with Jonah out of the room.

            "Whatever man," Jonah turned and left the room, mumbling curses under his breath obviously meant for me. My heart felt as if it were breaking into thousands of tiny pieces.

            "Well, I guess we can't avoid the pink walrus in the room any longer," I chuckled nervously.

            "Elephant," Jameson corrected.

            "What?"

            "You mean elephant. The phrase is pink elephant."

            "Oh," I rubbed my hands nervously on my thighs. "Look Jameson, I know you don't particularly care for me, but you have to believe me when I tell you I loved Parker and I most definitely love Jonah. Coming back here was not for money, it was to get my family back."

            "Veronica, I do believe that you loved Parker and you love Jonah, but I'm not the one you have to convince of that. Do you know what that boy has been through these last sixteen years of his life? You know nothing about him except the fact that you do love him and he knows nothing about you except what Parker chose to tell."

            "But he's my son."

            "Biologically, yes. That does not make you his mother though. He longed for you growing up Veronica and where were you? They both needed you. You show up again last year after all that time and think all is forgiven and forgotten. It does not work that way."

            "With all due respect Jameson, there is a lot about me you don't know and Parker forgave me. I can never give those sixteen years back to Jonah. Never! If it is all right with you, I am going to take my son to the beach house and try to talk to him. Maybe I can get through to him."

            Jameson threw his hands up in the air. "Veronica, you're a real piece of work. That boy is fragile and so are you. When things get tough again and you're ready to run, what is going to become of Jonah?"

            "There is nowhere to run this time." I stood up smoothing wrinkles from my creme colored skirt and turned quickly to avoid more conversation. Once out the door, I motioned to Jonah to come on. I could hear him suck his teeth, but he really had no choice so he reluctantly followed me, sulking.

***

            I sat in the beach chair smoking a cigarette watching the waves rush toward the shore. There was something calming about the sea that made the beach house my favorite place to be. It was as if maybe the sea could wash over me and cleanse me of my past transgressions. The ride home from Jameson's office was awkward. Jonah refused to talk to me and I really didn't know what to say to him. Truth be told, I had no idea how to be a mother.

            Running is what I did best. When things get tough, I run. When I was younger, I ran from home at fifteen because my mother was an abusive drunk. I turned to the streets for the love I didn't get at home and let drugs become my lullaby at night. When I met Parker, he cleaned me up and made me his wife. Things were okay for a while. We'd spend many nights on this very beach, watching the stars and listening to the waves. He used to tell me stories of how the sea was made from the tears of God. All those tears were for all the suffering His people went through. Swimming in the ocean was a way to become clean from all the wrong we've done and come close to God. He assured me if I went in the water, I'd be cleansed forever of the stigma that followed me because of my drug use.

            I never did though. While the sea called me, I ignored its calls. Parker would fuss at me, saying that I wanted to hold on to a piece of an old life I needed to leave behind. When we had Jonah, I had enough. There was something inside me that knew both Parker and Jonah needed something more than what I was capable of being or giving. My soul was unclean. So I ran. I didn't think about consequences then. Life was tough out there for me. Sleeping in parks, eating out of garbage cans, sharing needles. That's the kind of life I left this paradise for.

            "Veronica," Jonah began, standing over me, "the telephone is for you. It's the doctor's office."

            "Thank you. Tell them I'll call them on my cell phone." I didn't want to talk to them in the house when Jonah would be in ear shot nor did I want to risk the chance that he'd listen on another extension.

            "Yeah okay. Um, Veronica, can I ask you something?"

            "Yes dear. You may ask me anything."

            "Is there something wrong with you? You've been staring at the ocean forever."

            "Not in the least. Don't you worry. I'm just thinking of cleansing my soul."

            "Oh I'm not worried. I was just wondering in case you wanted to do me a favor and go drown or something."

            "Have you ever been afraid of anything Jonah?"

            "What do you mean?"

            "Well, I'm afraid that one day I'm going to wither away and die and people will just go on and live as if I never existed. Everyone will just forget me."

            "I think you caused that yourself Veronica."

            I sat quietly and pondered over his cruel words. Maybe I deserved them, but I'd never know. He left me sitting here to lick my wounds without any thought to how I might feel. Maybe this was his way of showing me what it felt like to be abandoned. I couldn't ponder on it too long because I had to call the doctor's office back.

            Punching in the numbers on my cell phone, I felt a chill run down my spine. This would be one of the single most important phone calls I'd make in my life to date. "Yes hi. This is Veronica Davis calling back."

            "Oh hi Mrs. Davis. Dr. Shaw wanted you to know your test results are in. When would you like to come in to discuss them?" the receptionist responded. Her cheerful tone almost seemed unfitting for the particular conversation we were having but I ignored it.

            "I don't want to come in. I want them over the phone, now."

            "Oh, um, Dr. Shaw normally doesn't do that, but I can see. Please hold."

            I drummed my fingers on the arm of the chair, with my cigarette still in hand. The anticipation made the wait seem longer than it actually was, but hopefully the results of this test would lift a tremendous weight off of my shoulders. I needed to know.

             "Hello, Dr. Shaw here," I heard the doctor's baritone voice sound over the phone. "Are you sure you want your results over the phone?"

            "It'll save me some gas and I'm just anxious to know. So yes I do. Give it to me straight please."

            "Well, first I just want to let you know that I'll do everything in my power to -"

            "Dr. Shaw, please. Positive or negative?"

            The doctor let out a long sigh before saying, "Positive, I'm afraid, Mrs. Davis. Believe me though, it's no longer a death sentence."

            "I'm HIV positive." I couldn't think of anything, but all the time I spent away from my son. The years I couldn't give back to him and all the time I wasted running. "Thank you, doctor."

            "But Mrs. Davis, please come in so we can discuss what to do next. It's imperative that we start treatment as soon as possible."

            "Not right now. What I really need to do is cleanse my soul." I hung up the phone before he could get in a word edgewise and dialed Jameson's number.

            When Jameson answered, I said quickly, "I need you to draw me up a will and leave everything to Jonah." I hung up just as quickly. Standing up and putting out my cigarette, I dropped my phone beside me in the sand and started running towards the ocean. I picked up speed as I got closer until my feet grazed the wet sand and rushing waves. I went deeper and deeper into the ocean until the water reached my belly button. Then I stood there, staring out into the seemingly endless sea and did something I haven't done in a very long time. I cried. I cried for Jonah. I cried for Parker. I cried for myself. I allowed my salty tears to fall off my face into the ocean, ridding my soul of the poisonous thoughts and feelings I kept bottled inside, allowing my soul to be cleansed. For my late husband, for my son, and for me.