The Other Side of Forever

I woke up drenched in sweat, and reached to the other side of the bed hoping to feel Hadley beside me. The space to my left was cold and empty. He had never been here. This wasn’t our bed. I blinked my eyes a few times to adjust to the darkness of the room that didn’t belong to me and quietly scolded myself. “Get a grip, Seph. This is your life now.”

In a desperate need to move, even if it was only among the halls of this house, I threw my legs over the side of the bed, untangling from the comforter in a swift motion, and tiptoed to the dark, quiet corridor. I moved deftly through the halls, as if I had been walking them all my life and as if my feet had a destination my mind did not know of. I walked until I could hear the distinct sounds of arguing behind a closed door. I knew I should have found my way back to my room, but my curiosity got the best of me and my feet remained firmly planted.

“You can’t seriously think of telling Melanie this now, Demetri! She has her finals coming up! This can wait!” I heard June say.

“I have to tell her, though. Can’t you understand that? I – we’ve been waiting twelve years for this and it happened. We found her,” Demetri responded in a calm voice. There was a hint of desperation in his voice, as if speaking in that tone would make his wife see reason. I knew in that moment they were arguing about me, but I had no idea why. Who was Melanie?

“I strictly forbid it.” I could just imagine June crossing her arms across her ample chest and narrowing her eyes at Demetri the way she has been doing for the last week since I came to stay with them. This couldn’t be easy on her, but I’m sure it wasn’t easy on him either. Hell, this was hard for all of us.

“Who are you to decide what’s best for Melanie?” I had the distinct feeling that Demetri’s next question would lead to disaster.

“She is my – ”

“She is not your daughter!” Demetri cut her off in an unexpected yell.

I heard a large intake of breath and I wasn’t sure whether it was June’s or mine, but I backed away from the door and hurried down the stairs before I witnessed the dissolution of their marriage.

“This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault,” I whispered to myself as my feet carried me to the kitchen in a hurried pace. I felt around the wall for the light switch, struggling to do away with the darkness with much needed light.

I slid down the wall as the light surrounded me, saddened that the light did not pierce through the dark spaces in my mind where my memories should have been held. I had a daughter? The thought made me buckle over in agony. That couldn’t be right. My vision blurred and I took in a sharp breath, willing myself not to crumble. Not here. Not in plain sight.

I could hear two pairs of footsteps in the stairwell. One sounded to be running after the other. The front door opened and slammed shut with such force that the walls of the house shook. I attempted to will myself to get up and make a run for it, but my limbs felt heavy like cinder blocks, so I sat there breathing deeply and attempting to dispel the pain.

“Cora?” a soft, wavering voice called to me.

“Please don’t call me that,” I said, my voice just above a whisper and fresh with the burden of unshed tears.

“Oh, right.” June clumsily knelt before me and I could see the evidence of her previous argument with Demetri in the tear trails stained on her cheeks. “You heard us, huh?”

I ignored her question and asked her one of my own. “I have a daughter?”

June pursed her lips and ran her fingers through her springy brown hair, which looked a lot like mine. In fact, a lot of June’s features mirrored my own, but there was no relation between us. She had almond shaped hazel eyes, sepia colored skin, and plump lips that I’ve only seen smile in pictures – never in my presence. It was like looking in a mirror, but maybe that’s why Demetri married her. She looked like me. I quickly rid myself of that thought. He loves his wife.

After what felt like forever, June released a sigh and with a dismissing sweep of her hand, which contradicted the pain in her eyes, she answered with a simple, “Yes.”

The tears I’d been holding spilled as if a levee had broken and I could feel her tense next to me as I let out a strangled, “How?”

“Don’t tell me you forgot how babies are made too?” She joked awkwardly and looked as if she instantly regretted her words. I flinched and she put a small hand on my shoulder as if in apology.

“No,” I answered quietly although I knew her question didn’t need a response, “I just don’t remember this life you’re telling me I lived. How could a mother forget her own child?”

Silence hung in the room, only punctuated by my occasional sniffle or June’s overwhelmed sigh. “I’ll make us some tea.” June said after a while, uncharacteristically reaching a hand out to me and pulling me to my feet. She led me to the island in the middle of the kitchen, made sure I was sitting properly on one of the stools, and then busied herself with the chore of making tea.

Her back was to me and I watched her move as if this was a common occurrence. As if the first and second wife of a man normally live together and have tea in the late hours of the night. As if that first wife, presumably dead after being missing for twelve years and miraculously found with retrograde amnesia and no other family, was a welcome guest in the second wife’s house, in her kitchen, sipping her tea. I felt like I owed her something. Some consolation for this unfortunate predicament she found herself in and I suppose that’s why the next words came out of my mouth. “I don’t remember loving him, you know?”

June halted briefly with a tea kettle under the running faucet; she was stiff as a board besides the almost imperceptible shaking of her hand. As if nothing was said, she finished filling the kettle, turned off the faucet, and placed the kettle on one of the gas burners of the stainless-steel stove. She grabbed two mugs out of the cabinet directly above her head, the only evidence of her uneasiness in the clinking of the mugs together in a steady pattern, and sat across from me. She looked me in my eyes, hazel matching hazel, and gave me a rare, watery smile. “He remembers loving you though.”

I winced. I wasn’t expecting that response. I expected a brief nod, or even a punch in the face, but not this. It sounded like defeat. It sounded as if June was accepting the fact that her husband loved another woman as much, if not more, than he loved her. I could not accept that. Her acceptance meant that eventually I would have to accept this too. “June, no. He can’t. I need to get back to Hadley. I know he’s looking for me. He’s got to be.”

June’s face became a mask mixed with pity and anger. “Hadley is dead Cor – um, Sephina. Your captor is dead.”

Her words cut deep and I could no longer look into her eyes. I stared above her head at the thick green border that outlined the cream-colored walls of the kitchen. I would have much rather preferred the punch in the face to this. Hadley was the only anchor I had to a sense of belonging in this world and she was trying to rip him away from me. She must have wanted me to hurt as much as she hurt. I was taking her husband away from her, so she was going to take Hadley away from me.

I shuddered, clapping a hand over my mouth, trying to contain the sob that threatened to escape beyond my lips. I braved a look back at June and her eyes were like fiery orbs of determination. She was going to break me. Her eyes searched mine for something, but I had no idea what. “You really don’t remember?”

Her question hung in the air like smog threatening to suffocate me. Remember. It was a word Demetri would say to me every day, thrusting old photos of our life together in my face as if the darkness in my mind would somehow be wiped away by his persistence. What did it even mean to remember? If I remembered him, our marriage, our life, what would that change? Would the last twelve years of loving Hadley just disappear and be filled with love for Demetri? What about June? How would she fit into all of this?

I could hear June tapping her perfectly manicured fingers on the green tile of the island and could feel her eyes sizing me up. I was sure they were narrowed the way she narrows them at Demetri. I chanced another look at her and could see the mosaic of shame, pity, neglect, anger, and frustration clinging to her normally smooth features. I had caused that.

“I deserved that,” I mumbled, closing my eyes and letting out a breath.

I needed a break and as if God still looked out for me, the tea kettle began to whistle. June hopped off her stool and moved the kettle off the burner. As if the awkward conversation between us had not just occurred, June turned to me, kettle still in hand.

“How do you like your tea?”

I never did answer her. I simply stumbled off my stool, backed away from June, and hurried back to the safety of the darkness in my borrowed bedroom. I could still faintly hear the clinging of the mugs as I burrowed into the comforter, pulling a pillow close to my chest, and sobbing until the pillow was soaked with my grief. Eventually, there were no more tears left to shed, and I hiccoughed, dry sobbing until my eyes were puffy red, my throat was dry, and my eyes so heavy that sleep claimed me.

Demetri did not return until the next morning and he was not alone. “Cora,” he shook me softly, his voice having the distinct timbre that let me know he was smiling before I even opened my eyes. “It’s time to wake up. Someone special is here to see you.”

I winced, but I did not correct him when he called me by that name. It was the name that he knew me by. It was the name of the woman he married twenty-five years ago, at the age of eighteen and fresh out of high school. Who was I to correct him? He was a stranger to me, yet he felt as if he knew me. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that woman died twelve years ago.

I opened my eyes and peered beyond Demetri to the open door. Leaning in the doorway with disapproving eyes was June. “I already know June,” I huffed, pulling the comforter over my head.

“No, not her,” Demetri admonished. I could hear the patience leaving his voice. “Your visitor is in the kitchen.” He pulled the covers from over my head and smiled down at me reassuringly. I heard June let out a frustrated puff of air and walk away. I wanted to call out to her, but my voice got caught somewhere in my throat, so I was left staring up into the chestnut colored orbs of Demetri.

“Must I?” I had a feeling who this visitor might be and my mind raced with how this encounter might go.

Demetri simply nodded. It was far too much way too soon, but the earnest look in his eyes made me want to please him. It was the same way Hadley would look at me when he was trying to convince me to go along with one of his crazy get-rich-quick schemes. One look like that – like I was the only woman in the world that could make his sun rise – and I was putty in his hands. It was strange to realize that Demetri could do this too.

Much to my chagrin, I found myself getting out of bed and looking for something to throw on. Demetri nodded at me once more encouragingly before telling me to hurry downstairs once I finished dressing.

I opened the closet and looked at all the clothes there. None of them were mine, but somehow Demetri convinced June to allow me to borrow a few pieces of clothing until I had some of my own. He must have given her the look he just gave me. At that thought, I wanted to hate him. How dare he do this me? Do this to us? I angrily pulled a gray, cable-knit sweater over my head and stuffed myself into a pair of jeans. I opted for going barefoot.

I marched out of the room, preparing to give Demetri a piece of my mind for putting June and me through this. I padded down the stairs and turned the corner to the kitchen ready to tell him so when I heard a strangled cry. “Mom?!”

Freezing in place as a body collided with mine and wrapped arms around me, I stared into a mane of frizzy brown curls. My arms remained by my side and my heart thumped wildly in my chest. The young woman nuzzled into the crook of my neck as I awkwardly stood wide eyed and afraid. I could see Demetri smiling and June frowning. My eyes caught June’s and I silently pleaded with her for help.

“How about you let her have a seat for breakfast, Mel?” June surprisingly obliged my silent plea, placing a loving hand on the young woman’s back, who was just confirmed to be my daughter Melanie.

I heard Demetri suck his teeth at June’s interruption of the reunion, but I flashed her a grateful smile as I forced myself to move beyond the threshold of the kitchen. I was far from hungry, but I sat at the glass table situated on the right side of the kitchen with Melanie eager to sit next to me. I eyed her warily, not sure what she knew. She could have just as well been June’s daughter as she was mine. The only feature she did not share were the hazel eyes; she had chestnut colored eyes like her father.

“Um, hello,” I said nervously. What was a woman to say to a daughter she didn’t remember?

Melanie frowned and she turned to her father, questions on her face threatening to spill out, but she had enough grace not to ask them out loud. I stared ahead at June, who sat directly across from me. I could see the pain on her face as she watched realization dawn on the face of the daughter she raised as her own.

“You don’t remember me,” Melanie whispered. Her voice had the watery quality that could sink my heart. I ached for her. I wanted to reach out and touch her, comfort her, let her know things would be okay, but it didn’t seem appropriate for me to do so. Did I even know that? Would things ever be okay?

I turned my head slightly and frowned at Demetri. His everlasting grin slowly faded and his brows furrowed. How dare he do this? June snaked her hand across the table and soothingly rubbed Melanie’s hand that rested on the table. A mix of emotions plagued the young woman’s face, similar to the ones that her stepmother and I had felt over the past week. Somehow witnessing the pain on this young woman’s face made the hurt, confusion, and frustration much worse. I hung my head, willing myself not to cry.

“How about you and Mel go in the living room for some alone time, Cora?” Demetri suggested.

My head snapped up and I glared at him. “Don’t call me that.”

I had never corrected him before and the surprise was evident in his eyes. “It’s your name, isn’t it?”

The question was simple, but it made me pause. Is that really my name? For the last twelve years, or for as long as I could remember, I was Sephina. That is what Hadley told me my name was when I awoke from the yearlong coma I was in. He was there for me when there was no Demetri, June, or Melanie. Yet, here they were now in my face.

Demetri had the photos to prove his version of my life’s history; Hadley was never able to produce such evidence. However, I loved and trusted Hadley with everything I had and now he was gone.

I shut my eyes tight and tried to stifle the sob that was threatening to pierce the tense atmosphere. Hadley was gone.

“Demetri, maybe this is too much too soon,” June offered, still rubbing Melanie’s hand.

“Damnit June! This has nothing to do with you! This is not your family!” As soon as he said it, I could tell he wished he could gobble those words up.

He looked at his wife, her beautiful features crumbling by the weight of the many feelings she’d been harboring since my arrival. She abruptly stood up and walked evenly out of the kitchen and up the stairs. I heard a door slam and felt my heart ache for June.

This was my fault.

Demetri ran after her, calling her name in a voice dripping with remorse. He loves his wife.

Melanie and I sat next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, in a weird, yet comfortable silence. I’d sneak glances at her and I knew she was doing the same to me. Her parents’ relationship was in shambles because of me and I must have been radiating guilt.

“This is not your fault you know.” Melanie turned to me, with eyes filled with a wisdom that seemed unnatural for such a young woman. “You shouldn’t blame yourself.”

“How could you possibly know that I –”

“Because I would blame myself.” She answered me before I could even finish my question. “I used to blame myself for you disappearing.”

My breath hitched and I clinched my hands into fists. “I should go,” I said abruptly, staring at the glass tabletop. “I can’t be who you need me to be.” I stood up to leave, hesitating only slightly as Melanie’s chest heaved up and down as silent tears slid down her cheek.

I was almost across the threshold when I heard her call, “Then let me be who you need me to be.”

I stopped, frozen in place much like I was when I first heard her call me mom. “What?”

“Let me be who you need me to be,” she repeated, rising from her lonely spot at the abandoned table. “You may not be able to be the mom I haven’t seen since I was eight years old, but I love you the same way now that I did then. You obviously have a lot of pain to relieve and demons to fight. Let me help you.”

I stared at the young woman in front of me, so young yet so wise. Everything around me was burning to hell, but she was standing amidst the flames like a beacon of hope. I was afraid to get close to her though. What if she was ripped away from me like Hadley? “I can’t.”

She looked crestfallen and the guilt burned my chest. Despite my better judgment, I took her in my arms and allowed her to cry against my neck. I could hold her for this moment, but I was not who she needed and I knew this connection would not last forever.

Forever. What a haunting concept? I used to think I had forever to spend with Hadley and I suppose at one point I felt the same for Demetri. In a sense, they are imprinted on me, within the fabric of my essence. No one ever thinks of the downside to all of this. No one ever thinks of the bitter, lonely nights when forever lasts longer than we anticipated. What we really mean when we say forever is until we pass on, but what happens when a part of us passes on and someone else remains? I guess it looks a lot like this. It looks like me holding on to a daughter I cannot remember in the home of my husband and his wife, wondering if forever would ever look good again.