Communication

Communication

How hard could it be, you might think.

Communication skills is always difficult; the reality is that each person has their own communication style. Moreover, a style of communication that works for one Mentor might fail for another. Imagine an older white Mentor trying to communicate with his young African-American mentoree by speaking to him like one of his friends does—trying to adopt local slang, turns of phrases, or even cadence. It wouldn’t work.

Similarly, one Mentor may be able to tease, cajole or mess with a mentoree while still getting across a sense of caring and respect. Whereas, another Mentor might be able to speak softly and with caring to a mentoree while that same mentoree might not accept that tone of voice from a different person.

The point is, in communication, there isn’t no one way; instead, there are a variety of styles which can be effective. As difficult as it is to train styles of communication, several principles of effective communication can be enumerated.

Self-awareness and self-acceptance greatly facilitates communication. This issue is especially important when trying to bridge gaps in culture and diversity. That is another reason why it is essential to understand our own beliefs before trying to reconcile them with those of others.

As it has been empathized from the start, in mentoring, it is the development of a stable and supportive relationship which is the most important goal—teaching, motivating, or inspiring all secondary to positive reinforcement and caring attention. And negative communication styles will likely only damage the relationship.

Developing Communication Skills

Mentors can and should encourage their mentorees to talk about their fears, dreams and concerns. A mentor may, in fact, be the only person in a mentoree’s life who truly listens. That’s another reason it is vital for them to be able to communicate effectively. By listening, Mentors can help their mentoree build self-confidence, self-esteem and cultural pride by focusing on their talents, assets and strengths.

Most people agree that talking and communication are not the same. Oftentimes we can hear, but don’t really comprehend or get what the other person is trying to say. Three basic communication skills can help: listening, looking, and leveling.

Listening doesn’t have to be passive. Done correctly, it can be as active as talking. To listen effectively, most importantly, pay attention.

Try not to think ahead of what you or the other person will say next. Don’t interrupt and listen for the feeling underneath the words. Keep a clear and open mind and avoid or postpone making judgements. Encourage the speaker to continue or clarify what has been said utilizing reflective listening—this is often referred to as mirroring or paraphrasing.

As to looking, people communicate with verbal and non-verbal language. Pay close attention to the whole person and watch their expressions (smiles, frowns, wrinkled forehead). Also watch the body language (crossed arms, tapping fingers, eyes, looking away from you when speaking).

A great approach to developing great listening skills is by reflecting and clarifying thoughts. Reflecting means sending back a person’s message to help an individual clarify if the message is accurate. You can ask a person, I heard you say … is that what you said? Or, it sounds like … is really making you feel angry. Reflecting and clarifying will only help if done in a sincere manner by someone who really cares.

Leveling means being honest about what you are really feeling and thinking. Thus, be honest in your responses or disclosure, just keep in mind the age of the mentoree. Speak for yourself using “I statements”. Accept and/or ask for clarification on the mentoree’s feelings. Never assume you are sure of what they are trying to say. And don’t try to change the feeling or give advice without being asked and/or before you hear and evaluate all that is being said both verbally and nonverbally.

There are three other specific communication techniques that can also help.

Use of the I Message:

Most messages we send about our behavior are “you messages”, those directed at other people and can have a high probability of putting them down, making them feel guilty or that their needs aren’t important, and can also make them feel angry.

The “I message” allows a person who is affected by the behavior of another person to express the impact it has on him/her, and it allows the Mentor to see how such actions affect others and how they themselves can be empowered to make their own decisions, so they can grow with the experience.

Paraphrasing:

This is an active listening skill which bears elaboration. It focuses on listening to the mentoree first, then reflecting back both the content and feeling of what they’ve said.

Identifying feelings are challenging to active listening; however, identifying them correctly can facilitate a continuing conversation. Even when a feeling might be misidentified, the simple act of trying to understand can encourage them to clarify their feelings.

Paraphrasing often begins with a phrase that turns attention back to the mentoree and the content or underlying message of what they are saying. One good way of paraphrasing is with transitional phases such as:

So you’re saying that …

You think that …

So the problem is …

You’re feeling that …

And that made you feel …

Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are those to which a person cannot default to “yup, nope,” or “I don’t know.” They are questions requiring a greater length of response and a greater investment of energy from the mentoree.

Examples:

How do you feel about that situation?

What are your reasons for …?

Can you give me an example?

What do you want to do about it?

Now, this doesn’t mean closed-minded ones should be avoided. There will be times when a yes or no session can be an easy and relaxed way of breaking the ice. Mentors need to remember that mentoree’s have a tendency to want to be brief and non-invested as possible. This doesn’t mean the mentoree isn’t paying attention or doesn’t want to be in the conversation. Mentors should try interspersing open-ended questions with closed-ended ones—it will draw out information and allow the mentoree to throw in a few comfortable, “Yups.”

Communication Roadblocks

Thomas Gordon, in his books, Parent Effectiveness training, identified twelve styles of communication which discourage and cut off communication. These are often styles learned in the family of origin. These same patterns can develop in mentor-mentoree relationships. Attention should be paid to your communication to avoid these occurrences.

The following are examples of each style.

Ordering/directing/commanding—telling the person what should be done.

Warning/admonishing/threatening—promising consequences if the mentoree does something he isn’t supposed to do.

Moralizing/exhorting/preaching—telling a person what he/she should do.

Advising/giving solutions/suggestions—giving a person the answers or the solution to a problem without allowing the person to come to their own conclusion.

Lecturing—instead, offer facts, information, or sound logic to influence a person.

Judging/criticizing/disagreeing/blaming—giving negative judgement or feedback.

Discounting feelings or giving misleading, distracting feedback.

Name-calling/ridiculing/shaming—embarrassing him/her and putting them down.

Interpreting/analyzing/diagnosing—telling a person you have him/her figured out, that you know what is wrong.

Reassuring/sympathizing/consoling—trying to make him/her feel better by denying their feelings or convince them that the situation isn’t as bad as first thought.

Probing/questioning/interrogating—searching for causes, motives, reasons to help you find a solution to his/her problem.

Withdrawing/distracting/humoring/diverting—trying to get him/her to forget about whatever is bothering them.

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Next Up:

How to Approach Communication with A Mentoree