Medusa Gorgon’s Academy for Young Witches

Episode One - Hamilton's Welcome to the Witching World

MEDUSA: Hello, darlings. And welcome. To the Medusa Gorgon's Academy for Young Witches. My academy. And this is not the usual story about Chosen Ones going out to save the day. It's the recordings of characters sitting around having conversations with one another. It's really quite boring, but if you want to listen to it, who am I to stop you? Perhaps you'll find it strangely...enchanting...Almost like these kids are putting a spell on you. By the end of it, you may end up far more DRAMATIC!!! Than you were when you started.

MUSIC: THEME SONG.

SOUNDSCAPE: SCHOOL ATMOSPHERE. STUDENTS TALKING AND LAUGHING. SPELL CASTING.

SOUND EFFECT: BELL CHIMES THE HOUR.

HAMILTON: This world is chock full of CHAOTIC QUEER DRAMA!!! And it all begins with me, the Chosen One. Welcome. To the Witching World.

AARON: What are you doing?

HAMILTON: I'm recording a podcast about my life here at Medusa Gorgon's Academy.

AARON: You're making a podcast? About your life at magical school? Who would want to listen to a podcast like that?

HAMILTON: People love Harry Potter so why not a parody of it? Besides, there are thousands of successful fictional podcasts about characters just sitting around a table talking about their lives. Podcasts like Hello from the Magic Tavern, Inn Between, and Welcome to Night Vale. I deserve to be heard just as much as any of them.

SIMONE: (LOW) Yeah. Everyone wants to listen to a podcast about you.

AARON: Those guys are funny. You're not funny. Do you even know what you're doing?

HAMILTON: Sorta. I thought that I could talk to other people about this. Because I don't know the first thing about any of this. Like magic is a thing?

SIMONE: Yes, Hamilton. Magic is a thing.

HAMILTON: Have I had this my entire life?

SIMONE: Yes, Hamilton. You've had it your entire life.

HAMILTON: Then why didn't 't I realised it earlier?

AARON: Because you're as observant as that other magical kid from that other magical school with big round glasses. You know the one. That kid from Hogwash. What's his name again?

JON: Larry Nutter.

AARON: Right. That kid.

SIMONE: You're not dumb. You're just a victim of the Chosen One trope.

HAMILTON: What's that supposed to mean?

SIMONE: As a Chosen One, you cannot unlock your true potential until you reach a certain age. Then a mentor will find you and introduce you to the world of magic. This is tried and true storytelling, it's been focus grouped, and it works. But the author just wants to poke fun of it because this is a parody.

HAMILTON: Oh.

SIMONE: You still don't get it, do you?

HAMILTON: Not really, no.

SIMONE: You were chosen by a god, probably Baldr, and-or by the school, to save the Sun Kingdom.

AARON: Or they just chose you to swindle money out of you. After all, the previous Chosen Ones who enrolled here have all mysteriously disappeared and they need the money to support the program.

HAMILTON: Wow. Thanks. That's really encouraging.

AARON: Just saying.

SIMONE: I'm sure you'll be fine.

HAMILTON: Do you know why they disappear?

JON: No. It's a mystery.

AARON: Just the usual Chosen One stuff. They fall in love with their other half, the Chosen One of Loki; they get themselves killed by idiotically going into dungeons. That kind of stuff.

HAMILTON: Right. Of course.

SIMONE: But that won't happen with you. Usually the love interest is straight in front of you.

AARON: Of course, there might be nothing straight about you.

SIMONE: Why would you say that? You know nothing about him.

AARON: Relax. It was a joke. (LOW) Mostly.

HAMILTON: So what's going to happen to me?

SIMONE: Nothing if you don't go looking for trouble. But then again, there can't really be any story if you don't. So...what do you want to do next time? Go on a dungeon crawl?

HAMILTON: Why should we do that? You just said that I'll be able to stay alive, but only if I don't go looking for trouble, and going on a dungeon crawl sounds like looking for trouble.

SIMONE: No one would get anywhere if we didn't go looking for trouble. And they who hesitate are lost.

AARON: Are you quoting A Series of Unfortunate Events at us?

SIMONE: Perhaps. But at least I was completely gender neutral about it.

AARON: True, true.

HAMILTON: What's to be gained by going on one?

SIMONE: 100 gold, the most powerful wand in the Witching World, et cetera. If nothing else, you might be able to gain enough experience points to level up so you're less squishy.

AARON: The most powerful wand in the Witching World, huh? Interesting...I may be inclined to join you.

HAMILTON: Why is my archenemy my friend?

SIMONE: I'm not entirely sure. This one's pretty unprecedented. But he may prove useful. After all, he is another body to defend you.

HAMILTON: Huh. And you? Are you coming?

SIMONE: Sure. Got nothing better to do.

JON: And I go wherever you go because I’m your sidekick. I just hope I have more of a part in the second episode.

HAMILTON: I hope so too. Come, my friends. Adventure awaits!

AARON: That catchphrase doesn’t seem right.

SIMONE: I agree with Aaron, and you know how much I hate to agree with him. We'll keep workshopping it.

HAMILTON: Okay.

MUSIC: THEME SONG.

MEDUSA: Welcome. To Medusa Gorgon's Academy for Young Witches. A podcast about witches. Not wizards and witches. Just witches named Hamilton who's actually named Tyler Petty, Aaron Moriarty who's actually named Chris Gettel-Martin, Simone Cringer who's actually named Kirsten Schuele-vanaken, and Jon Watsy who's actually named Ben Martin. Today's proverb: Don't let the modern media fool you. Your Harry Potter was a witch, not a wizard. He probably even went to our school, but I don’t actually know nor do I actually care. You can become a student of our school at patreon.com/rachelrauch, not that you aren't already. Or you can follow us on all the realms of...social media by searching for Medusa Gorgon's Academy for Young Witches and by leaving us good reviews and ratings on your podcasting feed. I'm not sure what witchcraft this is, but our producer and omniscient GM says that it will help us get more people interested. The more people discover us then this is not a complete waste of time. Ta-ta for now! Keep calm and witch on.