Anew

The pages of the book stuck together as she lifted one crackling page after another. Rapidly searching, she found what she was looking for. Slipping out the piece of paper, she closed the book. Finally she would find out. She would finally truly know why her mother did what she did. Why she told her father to leave, what he was involved in that was so terrible. Why her mother chose to end it all.

She opened the note from her mother, reading aloud,

“Dear May, I know you want answers. But I can’t give them to you. It’s too hard. Here is your father’s new address. Maybe he can explain. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I love you so much, May. I’m sorry.

Mom.”

As May mouthed the words her mother had written, she could almost hear her voice. She wished she could talk to her mother in person. But alas, she was all alone.

She sat up in the middle of the night, sobbing. The rain pitter pattered at her window. With intermittent bursts of thunder, she let out cries of agony. The tears from her eyes dripped down the front of her chest, and angrily she wiped them away. Shoving her blankets aside, May lifted her shirt to replace it, her hand briefly skimmed the scar on her ribs. She could still remember that day at the beach.

Running her sandy hands in the water. Skipping happily towards her father with the shell she had found. The blue sky, the sun, the hot sand, and the cool water. Even after falling on the rock, her father consoled her and bought her ice cream so she’d stop crying. Only 6 or so, she took the bribe, and she could remember their laughter and smiles. Briefly, she smiled at the memory.

Then she remembered the screams that night. Her mother’s and her father’s. They fought in the living room while she was pretending to be asleep. It wasn’t too often, but when they had fought, her parents had always woken her up with their arguing. Filled with passion and rage, their fights quickly fizzled out. But she still saw the bruises on her mother in the morning.

Pulling on a new shirt, May paced around her room. The sadness about her mother was replaced with rage for her father. She knew about the drugs. So did her mother. May wasn’t supposed to know, and her parents always changed the subject or talked in low tones about it when she was around. But still, she knew. While her mother hadn’t been ok with the drugs, she never looked as sad and lost as when May saw her crying, just after she sent May’s father away. Something had changed.

Rage towards her dad quickly turned into rage for her mother too. How could she leave May? It didn’t make sense. For the police it seemed like it did. Abusive addict father falls off the wagon again, depressed wife can’t take it anymore and kills herself. They had the video tapes to prove it. But to May, someone who knew them both better than anyone else, she knew how full of life her mother really was. Maybe her mother wanted to leave yes, but not die. She had hopes and dreams. She wouldn’t leave May that easily, would she? Maybe she was putting on a facade… one that May couldn’t see through as clearly as she thought. And what had triggered it, what had happened between her parents, that her mother had sent him away and then left May completely alone in this house, this world. She took the paper off of her nightstand. Considering if her father really would tell her the truth about what had happened. She sat, listening to the rain tapping on the windows, the wind coursing through the palms by the beach, and ocean waves crashing rapidly against the shore. In her head, May tried to think of any reason that her father could tell her that would explain her mother’s decision. Any reason that could convince May that her mother deserved her forgiveness, not her anger. NAy reason that would make her hate her father less. But she couldn’t think of one.

She stood, crying, and suddenly running, the paper grasped firmly in her hand. Whatever had happened between her parents, it didn’t matter. The choices they made had left her completely alone, with no one. Opening the door to the roof, she ran to the edge. Rain pounded down on her, stinging her sharply as it hit her face, and soon she was cold and wet, tears streaming down her face. She looked over the edge, knowing she could end it all, right then, right there. All her problems, gone. She could move forward, not think about her father, who had abused her mother and left her without a fight. She wouldn’t have to think about her mother, who had abandoned her, alone in the world.

She held herself out and let go.

The moment lasted forever, almost in slow motion. The paper fluttered out of her hand, the rain driving out down and the wind carrying it far away. She couldn’t see it for the rain, but she felt a weight lift off her shoulders. She walked backwards toward the door slowly, not turning around until she was inside. She needed to get away, start anew. She wouldn’t feel alone anymore, she wouldn’t feel unwanted, unloved anymore. She turned away and never looked back.

Sunlight streamed through the window. He turned over and stared at her as she slept. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful. Her hands tucked up by her hand, the silvery diamond ring glinting in the light. He had never loved someone, and felt so loved, as he did when he was with her. He never wanted to be away from her, never wanted to be alone again. And he knew she felt the same. Gently he kissed her, whispering her name.

“May.”