How to Approach Communication with A Mentoree

Mentoring should be understood as a type of relationship with a mentoree, and communication is probably the most important tool we have to build any type of relationship. Mentors can and should encourage there mentoree’s to talk about their fears, dreams and concerns. A Mentor may be the only person in a mentoree’s life who really listens. By listening, Mentors can help then mentoree to build self-confidence, self-esteem, and cultural pride by focusing on their talents, assets and their strengths.

There are several ways on how to approach communication levels with a mentoree and we start with suspending judgement. Tru to be objective as possible as you really listen to what your mentoree has to say. Be sure to include body language and other nonverbal information he/her is sending you. Ask questions to clarifying what you do not understand, rather than by making assumptions.

Put yourself in his/her place. Slide into their shoes for a moment to feel and see the situation from their point of view (Point to always remember: Seek first to understand.). Remember that cultural diversity, life situations and experiences combine to create your mentoree’s point of view.

Own your own. By owning your own problems, you encourage the mentoree to do the same. Hence, if the mentoree misses an appointment with you, it would be important to tell him/her how this made you feel without using the blame/shame game. Using the “I” message, you can own your own feelings such as, “I was disappointed last night when you didn’t show up to meet me.”

With nonverbal communication, this method alone can tell you much or more than anything that’s being said. Look for clues in your mentoree’s body language to see what they are really saying.

Confront the situation and don’t be afraid to say what is really on your mind. Side-stepping an issue will only postpone the inevitable. Encourage your mentoree to talk to you about how they see a situation without screening their feelings to make it more palatable for you. Don’t interrupt them or put words in their mouth or interpret the situation for them.

One big area is setting boundaries. Some Mentors find the idea of boundary setting harsh, mean or controlling. In reality, boundaries are vital in helping people feel safe and protected. Boundary setting is important so that each person in a mentoring relationship is clear about their role. It helps to establish and nurture trust in a relationship. More significantly, boundary setting not only helps to protect the mentoree, but the program itself. It’s important to review and discuss boundaries with advisors and other mentors in order to avoid confusion, miscommunication, and possibly premature closure of a mentoring relationship. A discussion on boundary setting will help mentors start on the right foot and avoid having to change things later once a strong pattern of behavior has been established.

The most common boundaries are:

Time. Consistency and frequency of meetings are important elements of a successful mentoring relationship. However, spending too much time together can create dependency and will lead to unrealistic expectations on behalf of the mentoree about what a mentoring relationship can and can’t do.

Don’t feel like you have to solve all of your mentoree’s problems.

A mentoree that tries to cling to a relationship too hard may be worried about being abandoned. Several meetings are not going to satisfy their needs or quell their fears.

However, setting regular and consistent meetings will help insure the mentoree that over time, the mentor will be there.

If a Mentor doesn’t set boundaries, with regard to personal time, they can unknowingly create the very conditions that will lead them to burn out and a premature ending.

Money. A Mentor is not a loan department or a bank. A Mentor is not that of a financial provider. If a mentoree is going through a financial hardship, it’s important to remember to discuss with the mentoree the appropriate resources available, but also be supportive of their emotional needs through their relationship. Creating financial dependency will eventually cause a rift in the relationship. Mentors who take on financial responsibilities for their mentoree tend to feel used, overburdened, and end up resenting the relationship. It sends the wrong message that they are in fact, helpless, weak, and unable to solve their own problems.

Self-Disclosure. Mentors need to be careful about the type of personal information they share with their mentoree. You need to ask yourself, what purpose does it serve to share personal information. Are you doing it because you need the support? Or do you think this information will serve a higher purpose? Would sharing personal information about yourself cut off communication or lead to more open communication?

Mentor should not burden a mentoree with their own life problems. A Mentor’s responsibility is to be supportive of a mentoree and listen to his/her concerns. It should always be mentoree-centered and not self-centered.

Mentor’s should be careful not to disclose information that may be inappropriate during the time with the mentoree.

If a mentoree asks a very personal question, a good response would be, “Are you asking because you are wondering what is appropriate for your behavior?” That approach may get him/her to think about their own life and concerns rather than divert attention by talking about you. If a mentoree really wants to know about their mentor’s past and experience, they will ask again, and if they do, this is where you have to do so in an appropriate context and extent, for portions of self-disclosure can be a powerful way to connect with the mentoree and build trust. Appropriate sharing combined with genuine interaction can empower the mentoree to open up and help to reap the benefits of learning from the experience of someone they respect.

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