That Summer

Your cologne lingers on worn out Bama shirts, that I keep close by my pillow at night in a crumpled up ball. I would hang them next to Dad’s Old Spice infused flannels but as you know, that was his sacred space. You would understand. You knew how much I loved my father and oh how I missed that man, especially when he stayed up at midnight painting faces out of shadows and spirits. His brushstrokes still haunt the night. And oh how I miss you my love. When you would bite down so gently yet so hard on your lips. The ones I longed to kiss with each sunset and sunrise-I cursed it daily. I wanted nothing to do with it. The nights were what comforted me. It was when I dreamt of you the most. I would be swept away from here and brought into a world of deep sea blue, salty winds, and pearl tips of lukewarm water. I would dream of us covered in sand, from head to toe, your kissing my ski sloped burnt nose, and telling me that I was the most beautiful woman you had ever known. I believed you as we kissed again underneath a velvet blanket full of sparkling stars. We parted from the moon and headed into a deep oasis of tropical deliciousness. Our heads would come up briefly for air in order to breath in our own tantalizing musks. We spent one weekend that summer falling deep into a decadent love that was tangled in a web of lust and cherry vodka. Our plans ripped out from beneath us when we had to leave our paradise. It was back to 9 to 5 and the realities of a painful subdued life. One I had to live alone. And it was without you Where I realized I was incomplete and afraid. I missed your comforting touch, your poetic blue eyes, and how your mouth found its way to mine, even in the darkest of the night and would kiss me enough to bury me into oblivion. You were my knight. My saving grace. My hero. But sadly I put so much more into you then you were worth. So I ended it. I couldn’t risk you falling back into rehab again. I couldn’t handle losing you to drink. To pills. I would lose the war. And so would you. I wasn’t strong enough to protect you. I couldn’t be held responsible. So I left our memory alone. Untouched. After the summer left us and fall came to. I told you the news. I was pregnant and you didn’t seem to care. Or even believe me. You were just as confused as I was about this newfound love. This was foreign territory to us both. -This once in a lifetime kind of soul connection we shared. But i couldn’t handle you. ... And I lost our baby. I tried so hard but my body failed me. I didn’t make it passed 6 weeks. I cried such tears of sorrow. I still cry when September comes. We eventually went on our tragic ways. My life without you it went. As did yours with someone new. I stalked your pages on Facebook like anyone would do, right? You seemed happy. But were you? I suppose. ...Maybe? No. I wasn’t buying it. You were not as happy as that weekend in the Keys. You told me later on but I shut you down and blocked you. I didn’t want to keep you from your new life. You understood. And besides we had this beautiful memory of a piece of paradise forever carved out in our hearts. My heart that suddenly shattered and stopped the day I found out yours did. I never even got to say goodbye to you. And now you are nothing but the sweetest of memories. You were so young. Forty. A piece of heaven intertwined into my soul for eternity when the world lost you. When I lost you that day. I think I had secretly hoped that one day we would somehow find out way to one another again. But that would never happen now. I hope you have forgiven me. I hope you understood. I hope you’ve met our unborn child in the midst of the afterlife that is called heaven. I wonder what her name is. Or he. I wonder so many things. But the one thing I won’t soon forget is that summer when I fell for you. And every now and then I will pick up a shell just to remember the sound of our 2 souls that summer and the pounding rhythmic waves that carried us through.