Caramel Macchiato’s for All

“Shh!” The horse hushed me. I didn’t know about hushing horses or talking rabbits or any of what I was seeing.

They had all gathered together and for some reason, I had been included. I checked my hands to see if I was still human. If I had turned into an animal, well, then maybe some of this might’ve made sense.

“We need to protect the realm,” the rabbit said. The realm? I knew - from my hands - that I was still human, but I figured I was no longer in Los Angeles, for sure. “Off you go!” said the rabbit, as if I’d just caught the tail end of an informative and inspirational speech and missed all the information.

“Where do we go?” I asked the horse. She flipped her head as if to say, “Climb on,” so I did.

I do like horses. I love their flaring nostrils and their wild manes and their swishing tails. I love to sit atop a horse and see what a giant can see but then, I didn’t expect to see a giant. “So that’s what we are protecting the realm from,” I thought as I stared into the ogre’s eyes. I went to swing at him with my clenched fist but the horse reared up to stop me.

“No, he’s with us,” she said, as the giant galloped along beside us. I was relieved, picturing my hand being shattered by that giant’s brow, chin or pinky finger.

We were hauling ass, too, and there were lots of other creatures booking it along with us. I thought I saw the sun go down and then come up and down again as though time was rattling by too.

“We must hurry” said the horse and the giant mumbled something, seemingly in agreement. We were at the bottom of a slope now and pushing on ahead to the crest of a mountain. All around us, other animals were doing the same, as though the reason for our rushing would become apparent from the mountaintop.

The slope steepened abruptly so I almost slid from the horse but the giant caught me and scooped me back onto the horse. I bent down to wrap all around the horse’s neck. I could feel her muscles straining to reach the summit. I could hear the gutteral sounds she made as she lurched ahead. I could feel her heart pounding through my arms clenched around her.

And then, at the mountain’s peak, she stopped. We stopped. An orgasmic sigh peeled over the creatures who had all arrived on the mountaintop together.

Below us, in a sweeping valley of rainbows and lollipops, it sat. The Starbucks For All Species, its banner exclaimed. I really should have guessed; caffeine would save the realm!