Pain itself.

Just as I thought everything was getting better in this perfect world I envisioned since childhood things get flipped over again. Addiction, hazzyness, mental illness, isolation re-enters my world. Maybe it never left.

Its 4 am and my moms boyfriend who I despised for so long calls me up. She is throwing him out. After 30 years of being together. Years of drug addiction, living in the ghetto, mentally disturbing your children and now you want to get the “devil” out of your life after he has final turned his life around 5 years of sobriety. 5 years of a steady job, owning his own car and providing for you. While you live in isolation and now you want to throw him out. After he got you to quit too.

Is it jealousy? Mid life crisis? Mental break down? Are you back in the that life. Crack, or heroine you once told me that was your drug of choice snorted. What is your drug of choice now? Now all that weight is supposed to fall back on on me. You have already started calling me demanding cigarettes and other items. Trying to manipulate me. It is 2019 the worst winter storm since 1985 with temperatures -52 degrees and you want me to swing by with the list of items you request.

NOOOOOOO!! I have already spent to many years of my childhood, of my fucking life supporting a mother who should have supported me. I am done.

But how? How do I separate my love for you. I cannot be your crutch. I pray that you have not reentered that life. I thought it was a slippery slope when you stopped going to church. When I started seeing you drink again. When you admitted to smoking weed.

I pray I dont see you in the streets pushing grocery carts digging in the trash. Collecting scraps of metal to sell. Stealing from me. Lying to me. Guilting me.

I dont want the nightmares to come back. The nightmares of you overdosing. My husband could never comfort me after one of those dreams. Because It could come true. Apparently it still can.

I hate this feeling. Not knowing, not being able to do anything. That is one thing that your addiction has taught me. After all of those years only you can change ur life. No matter how much I prayed, cried, supported you, bought your food, and pleaded with you. Only you can change. It is out of my hands.

So I provide you with what I can offer. The only thing I am willing to offer at this time in my life. I offer you love. I cannot be sucked back into that negative cycle of dependence. I can no longer be your crutch. I have two little ones to look after who are helpless and who truly need me. So, so long mom.