paradise is nowhere part 2

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the sun has fallen. the sky is dark, pitch black except for the thousands of stars and the crescent moon that glimmers in the night. and still, she is searching for him. her eyes burn with tears and each step is her dragging her feet across the ground, each breath is her gasping for air, for anything that could rid her of this dream of this illusion. because it has to be a dream, he can’t be dead. but her naked arms (just like that time before she met him) tell her otherwise. she was too late. and he was gone. but she doesn’t want to acknowledge that.

she is still moving. can barely see a thing in the dark but that doesn’t stop her. she needs to see him. she aches for him. will push and push forward with all her might, all her strength and nothing less, till she can find him. she had to.

a stumble, a wrong-footing and with a sudden cry, she falls flat on her face. the stone scratches her skin and scrapes her face. she curses under her breath, the hand on her stomach wound pressing harder. it hurts. but, it hasn’t started to bleed so it should be fine. it’s not the first time this has happened. she fell numerous times and she isn’t about to let this be her last. she rolls herself on to her back, focus her magic on her feet just until she could feel a tingle then jumps and steadies on her feet. her magic has been restoring up, a slower rate then she would’ve liked but it would have to do. the first thing she did as soon as she felt her magic return was to heal her wound, but she doesn’t have enough so she was only managed to stop the bleeding but it would have to do. anything that could let her get to him faster.

but for the moment, she lets herself breathe. her head feels lightweight, probably for the loss of the magic she just used. lets herself calm down for a second then she is moving forward agian, but something makes her halt in her steps, something that catches her eyes as moonlight washes over the area. and there’s a knot in her stomach that twists and clenches, but she turns away from the sight, rips her eyes away and turns her back to the scene and with a swallow, she moves forward.

there was a body laying on the floor, just a few feet from where she fell. another familiar face. klein. she knew him. an acquaintance, someone she knew from the academy. a hazy, old memory but somehow remembers it vividly that time he helped her with an assignment, another time she saw him smiling, happy. she wasn’t really close to him. but it doesn’t make seeing his him like that hurt any less. doesn’t stop her mind rush back to the other dead bodies she came across. a friend, another friend, a senior, a teacher, a mother, a child, and she thinks back to the battlefield. how her suddenly disappearing would cost a life of someone. cost lives.

but tells herself they would understand, the bond of a dragon isn’t something light. then, tells herself she really doesn’t care about the others, about the war. only he matters– only evan matters.

then tells herself, evan can’t be dead. he has to still be alive. repeats it in her head, a thousand times.

tells herself that the nausea feeling in her stomach isn’t guilt, a thousand times.

only, it is.

only, he is dead.

only, she cares.

(and sometimes a thousand lies is enough to shatter her world and tore her from within)

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