A.S.

*Pause* On the bright side, I’ve never been suicidal. On the down side, I’ve considered homicide quite a bit. *Rewind*

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. I want to do this. I’m not cloudy. I’m motivated. *Rewind*

I feel like there’s a haze that’s lifting. There’s a clear path towards it and I see no other options in my scope. *Rewind*

My parents keep talking to me like nothing is wrong. I wish they’d talk to me like something is wrong. I think something is wrong. *Rewind*

Numb. I’m just numb now. Nothing hurts. Nothing feels good either. Nothing. *Rewind*

I’m not sure where my head is at lately. Days are blurring together. It’s as if a fog has settled over my consciousness. *Rewind*

The comments feel like they’re beginning to wear on me. The jokes aren’t quite landing in the right spots anymore. *Rewind*

I heard a good joke today. It stung a bit but I giggled a little. *Rewind*

Everything is fine. My friends are growing and changing and so am I. My parents have been in a mood but it’s fine. They’re fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine. *Rewind*

I guess when you’ve had it good for so long you don’t really know it until it changes. Faces change. Places change. People change. I hope I don’t. *Rewind*

Another day, another smile. This one no different than the last. My face is starting to hurt though. I think it just needs a quick second to relax. This is just the beginning. *Fast forward*

*Stop* In no way do I feel ready to die. I have more to do here. I can’t let this go though. I’m not ready to die, but I’m ready for them to die. *Fast forward*

It’s not that I was born this way or that a screw fell loose in the bustle of the machinery. I’m cool and calm about this. I have a point to prove. I have a message to send. *Fast forward*

They won’t believe it’s me. They’ll search in their minds for the parts of me they think they know best and deny the reality in front of them. They’ll reject the thought of it. In hindsight, they’ll all say they saw signs. *Fast forward*

They don’t know me or my feelings. They’ve never felt this. I’m powerful now. I wasn’t before. I’ll make sure they notice. *Fast forward*

The steel in my hands is foreign but in a way, familiar. Comforting. *Forward*

Cold. I’m so cold. Heat rises though. I’m rising. *Forward*

Melting. Absolute fire. I’m drenched in sweat but my partner is still calm and cool in my bag. My conviction. *Forward*

The moments are fusing now. Head spinning. This is the time. This is my time. *Forward*

My partner is by my side. Everything has slowed. All is calm. Pressure builds slowly inside. I see them. My students. I’m here as their teacher. I must teach. *Press play*

The room is silent. I stand alone in a class of seated bodies. I’m reading their eyes. Some fearful. Some acknowledging. Some surprised. Some to my surprise are not surprised. I am a mind reader. Everyone is honest in their unwavering gaze. Is this the answer I’ve been seeking? If so, what was my question? Has it changed? Have I? *Stop*