Trouble in Paradise

I

The first class flight was not too unbearable, and now, it was only a short monorail ride to the most luxurious place in the Caribbean.  No, scratch that. It was the most luxurious place on Planet Earth.  It was the Paradise Hotel in Bermuda, and if six-star hotels actually existed, then this would be it.  It was built right off the western coastline, so customers can see every spectacular sunset.  The hotel itself has five pools, three massage parlors, and a fantastic al fresco restaurant.  Every room is a junior suite with the top two floors available only to US Presidents and world leaders.  Of course there was 24 hour room service, personal laundry and dry clean service,  Egyptian cotton sheets on all the beds, and access to all satellite and internet channels.  Yes indeed, this was the vacation spot for the rich elite, and that it also the perfect getaway for a Super Villain. 

He watched palm trees and green leaves flash by as the monorail sped along its track.  His name was Mortimer Simple, but the world knew him as Dr. Morbid.  He was wanted in ten different countries, and the current bounty price for him was 2.4 million dollars.  This should scare him, but didn’t take an evil mastermind to evade bounty hunters.   Most of them were as dumb as rocks, and the only reason why they seemed so good at their job was that most of the criminals they track down were not much smarter.

His mind began to contemplate the various ways that dimwitted fugitives managed to get caught by bounty hunters who only had a GED level education when his smartphone chimed.  He checked the screen.  It was his AI system Violet calling.  He sighed while he tapped the screen.  Violet was his most prized creation, and she would only call if it was important.

“Yes, Violet. What’s up?”

Her voice was modified for Super Sexy Model mode, which made her sound like a mix of Marylyn Monroe and May West.   “I’m so sorry to interrupt your vacation my love, but your ex-wife is trying to contact you.  Should I connect the call?” 

Mortimer closed his eyes.

It was just like that bitch to put a damper on this trip.  She had inadvertently helped ruin his previous plan for conquering the world by calling just when he was about to put the squeeze to his arch-nemesis, Special Agent Trip Hazard.  He had that bastard dangling over a vat of boiling acid, and was about to pull the lever, when Kat called.  She was having problems with her website, and she fully expected him, the most twisted criminal mastermind of the twenty-first century, to fix it.  He could’ve told her what to go do with herself, and her goofy website, however, she had custody of their kids, and if he wanted to keep his visitation rights, he better just figure out how to solve her problem.  He was only gone a few minutes, but that was more than enough time for Hazard to somehow break out of his bonds, disable the Doomsday device that Mortimer built to hold the world hostage, and make a clean getaway.  Well, it wasn’t totally clean.  One of Mortimer’s mutant rats managed to chomp a good chunk out of Hazard’s leg during his escape.  It will be awhile before he’ll be ready for field work again, and that was when Mortimer decided to take some time off. 

All of this reminicising took about a half a second, and he said, “Yes Violet.  Put her through.”   Better to get this out of the way now, before he checked in. 

“Hello, Morty. Just calling to remind you that your daughter is turning fourteen next week, so this is a reminder about her birthday party.” 

God, even her tone was emasculating. Of course he remembered his daughter’s birthday.  “Yes, I will be there.  Her birthday is next Monday at 1 p.m.” 

“EHHHNTT!  Right time, wrong date.  It’s 1 p.m. next Tuesday.”

His face started to burn red.  Kat loved to make that EHHNTT! sound whenever she thought he was wrong about something, like she was a buzzer on a cheesy game show.  She thought it was cute when they were dating, but when she learned that it got on his nerves, it became her favorite thing to do when she thought she was right.

“Actually, I recorded the exact time that Ariel was born.  She was born five minutes before midnight, so her birthday would be next Monday.” 

“Well, I’m her mother, and I looked at the clock while I was pushing her out of my body, and the clock read five minutes past midnight, so her birthday is next Tuesday.” 

He so wanted to remind her that the clock in the delivery room was ten minutes faster than the atomic clock that gave the precise time in their time zone, but his mind kept repeating one word:vacation, vacation, vacation…

“OK.  Next Tuesday at 1 pm.” 

“Great. And whatever you do, don’t bring a horse.”

“Now, hold the phone.  I already got her a prize winning appaloosa stud ready for shipment.”  This is one of the many reasons why they split.  He always came up with a great plan,  and she would swoop in to shit all over it. 

“Really, Dr Genius? How will she keep it, and learn to ride it?  How will she feed it?” 

He managed to keep his voice calm and neutral.  “As I explained in my email to you.  I already entered a rental agreement and paid tuition for riding lessons at Arlington Acres, which just outside of town.”  For two-thousand a month, his daughter can learn to ride and groom her prized beast, and he will have bragging rights for the Father of the Year Award in the eyes of his little girl. 

Kat said,“First off, quit making your voice calm and neutral, because I know it’s fake.  Second, did you even stop to think about how it was effect my life?  Who do you think will have to take her to that ranch, and back home?  She doesn’t even have a driver’s license, and you want to just give her a horse.  Do you think she’ll ride that thing to school?  This is just like you Mort.  You come up with this offlandish ideas, and I have to put everything back together since you were always busy slapping Band-Aids on boo-boos and pushing pills to addicts.  God, sometimes I just wish-”

She was itching for a fight, and Mortimer was more than willing to retaliate, preferably by shoving a grenade down her throat, but he had end this call.  So, he repeated the mantra: vacation, vacation, vacation….

“OK, fine. Cancel the horse...and please tell me.  What would you recommend?”

It was a ploy make her think she won, and it worked.  “I can send you a link for her wish list from Macy’s, but will the gifts get here on time?”

“Yes. Not only will I get everything on the list, but I will pay for overnight shipping.” 

There was a few seconds of silence, then she spoke.  “All right, just make sure the packages are addressed to me, so she won’t open them when they arrive.”

The bitterness in her voice was honey sweet.  She had to concede the battle, since she

saw no flaw in his plan.  “OK, that’s fine.  Remember, next Tuesday at 1pm.”

Mortimer said, “All right, I’m looking forward to it.  Talk to you later. Bye.”  And with that, he disconnected the call just as the announcement came that the monorail had reached its destination, and he could see the full glory of Paradise Hotel come into view. 

With a smile, Mortimer said, “Rot in Hell, Kat.   It’s vacation time.”

II

The monorail stopped in front of the main lobby doors, and as he entered the Paradise Hotel, Mortimer took a few seconds to just breathe in the atmosphere. Entering the lobby was like entering into Heaven. The high-arched ceiling with curved windows let in warm sunlight. The ceiling was supported with smooth azure columns which stood on a floor of polished green marble. In the center of the lobby was a large gurgling fountain with koi fish swimming in shallow pool at the bottom. People were sitting at the edge of the fountain, or in the velvet lounge chairs. The men were dressed in light summer shirts and capri shorts, and the women were barely dressed in bikini tops and thin dresses.

Mortimer took it all in, and made his way around the fountain to the front desk. His trusty suitcase was following behind, moving around the people that stood in the way. Many were bemused at the idea of seeing a piece of luggage follow their owner around, but Mortimer knew that one day, every traveller would have one.

A pretty woman with a permenant smile stood behind the main desk. When Mortimer approached, the woman said,“Good afternoon, and welcome to the Paradise Hotel. It would be my great pleasure to serve you. Do you have a reservation?”

Mortimer knew all of this was strictly part of the service training, but he didn’t mind.

“Yes. My name is Dr. Mortimer Simple, and I have a reservation.”

Still smiling, the woman typed his name in her console. After checking her records, her smile grew as she said,“Yes, welcome back, Doctor. We are so happy that you decided to return to us. Here is your room key, and if there is anything we can do to make your stay here more-” Her flawless speech faltered, and her eyes shifted around him. At first, he thought she was having a mild stroke, but then she said the last words he wanted to hear. Not here, and not ever.

“Oh my God, Mr. Hazard!”

He heard the booming voice of his enemy as he turned his head to see Agent Trip Hazard walk right up to him. He expected Hazard to launch a fist right at his face, but Hazard just breezed right past him with just a nod and a glance as he started flirting with the receptionist. The buxom blonde that was hanging on Hazard’s arm didn’t seem to mind his wolfish behavior, but Mortimer didn’t care about that. He turned and made straight for the first set of elevators. A bellboy tried to grab his suitcase, and was shocked when a jolt of electricity zapped from the handle. Mortimer just shrugged and said,“He doesn’t like anyone touching him.” His suitcase rolled its way inside the elevator, and the doors sealed closed.

The suite was amazing, but right now, Mortimer couldn’t enjoy anything that the Hotel had to offer. The only thing on his mind was Hazard. How could he just stand there, and not do anything? Hazard saw his real face, and that was why Mortimer tried to dunk him in the acid. Hazard has been a thorn in his side, and a pain in his ass for several years, and now that he had a golden opportunity to nail Dr. Morbid, he didn’t do it.

Could it be that Hazard didn't recognize him? Maybe that bite from the mutant rat gave him amnesia. No, Mortimer knew he was grasping at straws. He had to come up with a plan.

He opened his suitcase, and pulled out his laptop. After entering the various passwords and disabling the expolsive device, he used his phone to call Violet.

"Violet, I need you to get me access to the system at the Paradise Hotel."

"Of course, my darling." Within seconds, a screen opened on his laptop, showing all the menus of the hotel's computer system. Mortimer chose Registration, and saw that Hazard was booked just four rooms away in Suire 305. Mortimer tried to stop the growing panic that commanded him to just pack up and leave. This could be a sting operation, and Hazard was just biding his time until more agents arrived. Hell, they could be surrounding the place right now. He chose the Security Menu, and saw that there were no alerts posted with his name attached. That could mean that their mission was top secret, but no. This place wasn't a Holiday Inn or Hotel 6. This was a very posh resort, and any security threat would be taken very seriously.

Mortimer forced himself to relax. Maybe this was just a big coinsidence. But, if that was true, then why was Hazard even here? The only way to know was to confront him face-to-face, and Mortimer was not going to do that. Better to slap a lion's balls than to just walk up to your enemy for a chat.

He nodded to himself. If Hazard didn't make a move, then neither would he. This was still his vacation, and by God, he was going to enjoy himself. First, he would order his daughter's gifts, and then he would find the biggest margarita and make it disappear.

III

When Ariel's gifts were ordered, Mortimer called Room Service for a masseuse, and for the next hour, he groaned with pleasure as a tiny Asain girl kneaded her thin but strong fingers into his back muscles, and then walked slowly up and down his spine, making it crackle and pop. Then, he spent another hour getting steamed like a lobster, and marinating in a fragrant mudbath. By the time he went downstairs for dinner, he managed to drive Trip Hazard away from his thoughts. That is, until the maitre-de lead him to his table. Then, he saw Hazard sitting at a table off to his right. He had the buxom blonde that he walked in with on his left, and an equally busty redhead on his right, and they were hanging and laughing on every word that fell out of Hazard's mouth. That is, unless Hazard's mouth wasn't too busy chewing on a chunk of the rare steak in front of him. Mortimer was sure those girls would probably spoon feed him if Hazard asked them to.

Mortimer just concentrated on his own menu. He ordered the fish and chicken platter, and just sipped his white wine while kept his eyes averted from Hazard's table. A pleasant evening indeed, when one has to eat in the presence of the the man who has foiled every single evil plan of his to date. And now, that same man has two gorgeous babes on each arm, and he would probably have a threesome to look forward to tonight while Mortimer had to keep wondering when the hammer would fall on his head.

Mortimer stole another glance at Hazard, just as Hazard had forked another bite of steak in his mouth. He tipped a wink at Mortimer while he chewed, then mouth stopped moving. The look in his eyes went from joy and into fear.

Mortimer saw this, but kept his face calm. This was it. Now Hazard would leap across the table, and tackle him to the ground. He braced himself for the assault, but he noticed that the color on Hazard's face was darkening. Hazard's eyes started to bulge, and his mouth kept opening and closing. Hazard then stood up and his hands went straight to his own neck.

Mortimer couldn't believe was he was seeing, but all doubts were erased when the buxom blonde began to scream. "Oh my God, he's choking! Help us! Somebody! He's choking!"

Mortimer could've leapt for joy. His greatest enemy was now going to meet his end, not in a hail of bullets, or from some heroic sacrifice, but by choking a piece of rare meat. He couldn't help but to give a small smile as he watched Hazard struggle for the one thing everyone needs to do to keep living, a single breath.

The blonde and the redhead were besides themselves as they tried to pat Hazard on the back. People from the other tables were getting up to offer assistance, but no one knew what to do as they watched America's top Secret Agent go down for the count. Mortimer couldn't have planned this better. His gaze went back to Hazard. He wanted to give Hazard a true villian's laugh as he watched the life slowly leave Hazard's body.

But, as he looked at Hazard, he didn't see his nemesis. He only someone choking on food. Also, he was now the only one sitting at his table. Everyone was now converging on Hazard's table, but they were afraid to touch him. This was not the way it was supposed to go. Not like this.

It was that moment that Mortimer knew what he had to do. He stood up, and started shoving people aside. He yelled out,"Let me through, I'm a doctor!" And then the crowd parted like the Red Sea. When he got to Hazard's table, he could see Hazard was sinking to the ground. Another minute, and his brain would shut down from lack of oxygen. Mortimer stood behind him, wrapped his arms around Hazard's midsection, joined his hands together in a ball, and shoved upwards into Hazard's sternum. Two more thrusts, and a chunk of meat exploded out of Hazard's mouth, and splattered onto the table.

Hazard leaned forward onto the table, gasping for precious air, and as Mortimer released his hold, he heard people started to clap. The clapping grew until it seemed that was only sound that Mortimer could hear. They started cheering for him, and the buxom blonde pulled him down for a hug. She thanked him for saving her precious Trip, and she thanked God that he was there at the right time.

If only she knew, Mortimer thought. If only she knew.

IV

It took two hours for things to return to their former blissful state at the Paradise Hotel. Hazard was sent to the hotel's physician, while everyone wanted to congratulate Dr. Simple for a true act of bravery. Mortimer kept his composure while everyone took selfies with him and shook his hand until he thought it would break off. One good thing did occur: the manager informed him that he would get a refund on his bill, and for the first time in the hote's history, Mortimer would receive a compted room on his next visit.

He returned to his room, and collapsed on the small sofa that faced the TV. He wanted to run. He wanted to get drunk, and forget this whole mess. One thing was for certain, his career as a mastermind villian was over. There was no way he could go back to trying to conquer the world to his bidding now that his face was plastered all over the Internet. He would have to put his mutant rats to sleep. He would have to deactivate Violet. He would even have to destroy his Secret Lab.

Why did he do that? Why couldn't he just let Hazard kick the bucket? Mortimer scoured his brain for that answer, but there wasn't one. His hatred for the man was still there, now more than ever. This could've been a setup all along. This might have been the plan to stop Dr. Morbid from doing any more evil deeds. By performing one act of mercy on his sworn enemy. Could Hazard be that devious?

No, there was real fear in Hazard's eyes. Mortimer saw that. In the end, Hazard was just as afraid of death as any other man, and maybe that was it. Yes, seeing Hazard going out from something that he couldn't control touched a nerve. The nerve that connects everyone. That fear of Inevitable Death. Hazard was never afraid as he stopped every one of Mortimer's plans, but he was afraid tonight. And that sparked a last light of mercy that moved him to use the Heimleich to keep Death away from Hazard.

Mortimer gave a heavy sigh. Now that he knew that there was a spark of mercy in him, he knew he couldn't go back to life of crime. It's not like things could get any worse.

Then his phone rang. He tapped the screen, and heard Kat's voice.

"Congratulations, dumbass. I checked that order you placed for Ariel's gifts, and you ordered all of her clothes one size too small. Wow, the brilliant doctor, who doesn't care enough about his own daughter to get her correct size. Of course, what did I expect from you. You never even got my size right. You men are all alike-"

Mortimer was wrong. It just got worse.