Every Heart You Break

February 6, 2020

It seemed an eternity before Kasumii responded. She seemed to be mentally weighing her options before making a decision.

"You're right. Caring is what brings the closeness and meaning in life. It's just that sometimes I wish, I don't know, that I could take a break from it all and be as free as a falcon on the wind."

The wistful look of longing on her face made Jake wish he could do something for her. Only he knew he couldn't; he was completely powerless to help. Jake internally cursed his weakness. Besides failing to save her from injury, he had also failed to bring her any comfort. His voice choked up slightly as he answered her.

"What does freedom look like to you?"

"Well, freedom in general is known as the permission or ability to do whatever one wants. Though I somewhat agree with that definition, I get the feeling that true freedom is more than doing whatever one wants and having no cares or responsibilities." She paused. "Perhaps true freedom lies in the knowledge that we've truly done our best and given all we could during the gift of our time on earth."

Jake tried to process this statement.

"So you're basically saying that true freedom is leaving this world knowing that you've given and done all you can?"

"Yes. That, and one more thing I can't exactly put my finger on. I guess it's that hidden truth we will never know until we've ventured in Beyond."

Something in her words roused a sleeping fear in Jake, a fear that was dozing, awakening, and subsiding.

"Surely you don't plan on that being anytime soon?" Jake asked anxiously.

"What I've learned is that some things are simply out of our control. We try to go one way, and life forces us into a direction we never thought we'd take. Whether it be two days or fifty years, every bit of time is precious beyond what we see."

"That's so true. Often we take tomorrow for granted, when in reality, life could be swept away as fast as a mountain wind."

Jake pictured Kasumii lifeless, cold, and still in a casket. Blinking back unexpected tears, he turned his head she she wouldn't see him cry. He ached to be be in control; to beat down his helplessness.

"Jake. Look at me. It's okay to cry; I will never judge you for that."

Kasumii's gentle voice and soothing manner was like a knife in his chest. She always seemed to be able to tell what he was thinking. Here she was, battered and broken, and still trying to bring him comfort. He, who should be the one comforting her.

"It's just that... the thought of losing you forever... never seeing you again..."

His voice was cut off by a choked sniffle, and he buried his head in his arms.

Kasumii stroked his hair gently with her good hand. She too longed to bring solace to her troubled companion.

"Even if I have to leave you, I want you to carry on," she said softly. "You'd be all right, and you'd find happiness with someone else. You're strong and capable, and I believe in you. There's no reason to be sad about things out of your control."

"I don't want you to go," whispered Jake, almost childlike.

She smiled sadly at his shaking form.

"I don't want to leave you either, and hope that things will turn out for the better, that we can go on as usual. I just want to be prepared-and I want you to be prepared-if that is not meant to be."

"What would I be able to do without you? I don't know what I'd do."

"Oh, silly," Kasumii grinned. "You'd keep on living! Spend your life fulfilling your hopes and dreams. Live and work and find joy and peace."

"You don't understand. You are my hope and dream."

"Jakob Eli Christopher Zhang! Listen to me. I love you with all I have, but I don't want to tie you down. You need to be prepared to possibly move on."

"But what if I want you to tie me down? You are not a burden and will never be one."

"I wish I could promise that I will be around to continue to pester you. In case I'm not, may I make a request?"

"Anything. However, you will be around; you have to be!" he answered fiercely.

This passionate sentiment brought a loving smile to his girlfriend's lips. She wished that she could reassure him somehow.

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you. If not physically by your side, in here." She placed her hand over Jake's heart. "Keep me close, and I'll never truly leave you."

Her consoling words hit deep again, and the pain in his heart spread like a shock wave throughout his entire body.

"Come here. You need a hug."

She wrapped her arm over his shoulders, pulling him closer. Burying her face in his shoulder, she whispered in his ear, "You can let me go."

"You... want me to go?" he asked.

"Yes, Jake. It's time. Get some rest and go back to your family. You must be exhausted."

Jake's face was unreadable as he studied Kasumii's.

Without warning, he leaned forward and pressed his warm lips softly against hers, making sure not to hurt her.

Kasumii's eyes widened in surprise, but she nestled her fingers deep in his hair as they kissed. Just as she was about to pull away, Jake drew back slightly to gaze at her once more. She smiled and drank in his scent as their lips met again.

"I'll be back soon," Jake whispered against her mouth.

He brushed the hair from her face before getting up and picking up Raven's crate. He gave her a parting smile, but as he turned to leave, Kasumii saw his face tighten.