Left Behind

**TRIGGER WARNING**

The buzzing in my ears

To block out my fears

The glistening in my eyes

To kill what terrifies.

I try to tell my mind

To relax and unwind

That I am in control

But days did take their toll.

I am seeing white

Have I lost the fight?

The pills--I took five

Why am I still alive?

The crimson from my wrists

Falls into empty fists

The red tears of my pain

Are draining out again.

Two months hard work destroyed

I tried so hard, but could not avoid

The haven for my loneliness

The outlet for my brokenness.

An empty, lost waste of space

Walks unseen--without a trace

I hate this life that's ruining lives

The world's better if I don't survive.

They say it's all a lie

Why should I even try?

She told me to go die

I thought of reasons why.

One, I know some would be sad

But others will be very glad

Two, I burden lives I love

That won't happen up above.

Three, I disappoint and fail

As I watch the crimson trail

Failure after failure grin

Smiling up from my ugly skin.

In a moment of weakness I will cry

"Does anyone hear me?" to the sky

An echo back is all I hear

My hope begins to disappear.

Though much damage I've incurred

I sometimes with I would be heard

Mental windows flung open wide

A dangerous mess you'd find inside.

Would anybody be my friend?

Love you, sister, to the end

But you are miles, miles far

I cannot go by train or car.

What am I doing wrong?

Alone I have been so long

I try to hold up, to be tough

But my efforts are never enough.

My parents only are secure

My peers find me hard to endure

I struggle to conversate

My breathing hitches--this I hate.

It's not their fault I face rejection

I bring about my own dejection

I know to them I look quite strange

But also I refuse to change.

Snide remarks behind my back

Ignoring hurt's a skill I lack

Or hurled directly at my face

I will never find my place.

Thus I've learned to never trust

Lest they shove your face in the dust

I desperately want to end this fight

And be free to roam the night.

Every day since senpai left

My heart is like a house bereft

Of life, of love, and of breath

I failed to stop my soulmate's death.

I replay moments, though they bite

Talking, skating, wrapped in light

But also pounding your bedroom door

And seeing you, sobbing, on the floor.

You, my Jin, who seemed so strong

How could I have been so wrong?

I'm sorry your needs I didn't meet

That twilight you fell to the street.