Holding On Tonight

February 9, 2020

Kasumii felt a weird tingling sensation on her face. It was not altogether unpleasant, but not necessarily enjoyable either; it almost felt itchy.

Without opening her eyes, she reached up and felt something fuzzy in front of her face. She looked up to see... Ned.

“Yikes,” she yelped in surprise. The fuzzy plushy soared toes over horns and landed at her feet.

Jake picked Ned up, trying to restrain his laughter.

“You killed him,” he protested. Poor Ned’s ears were slightly bent out of place.

Kasumii took Ned from Jake. “Sorry, Ned,” she said, straightening his ears. Ned gazed back at her with glassy, mournful eyes. He seemed to be reproaching her for punching him across the bed.

Jake gently poked her shoulder. “I think he forgives you.”

“Ned, do you forgive me?”

The plush gremlin answered with a forlorn stare. Every inch of his adorable little face screamed sadness.

“Aww, Ned, don’t feel bad; I didn’t mean to.”

“Uhh, Kasumii? You do realize you’re talking to a stuffed gremlin?”

“Really? I never even noticed. Ned is REAL.” She nodded with conviction.

Jake slapped his forehead into his palm. “What have I started?” he groaned.

Kasumii started giggling and hugging the Ned. Jake stared at her, perplexed at her seemingly random silliness. “Was it something I said?”

“Ned is so cute and squishy! Squish.”

“Oh brother. Is all this lying around making you a little crazy?” he teased. “I’m glad you like him, though.”

“Ned is the best. We shall be buddies forever.”

“And this is what happens when you give an avid Twenty One Pilots fan a Ned plushy,” Jake intoned dramatically.

“You mean when you give anyone the cutest gremlin to walk the face of the earth.”

While Kasumii raved about the Ned, Jake peered curiously at the sheet of paper beside the bed. Kasumii’s favourite shattered blue pencil lay on top of the graphite-smeared paper.

“What have you been working on?” he asked, gesturing to the paper.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” she replied. She quickly flipped the paper over, words-side-down.

“Okay, then. Sorry if I disturbed you.”

“Don’t worry so much! You’re fine,” she said, giving him a reassuring smile.

″It’s fine? If you say so.”

“So, what have I missed? Did you learn anything new?”

Kasumii fidgeted with a strand of her hair, running it through her fingers as she considered what to say.

“There may be possible complications,” she began, still tugging at the strand. “But I’m going to go with the positive and hope for a full recovery, though it would likely take forever.”

She sighed and cast her gaze downwards once again.

“Hey, don’t give up hope. There are many factors in play here,” said Jake, waving his left hand by his face.

“I know I shouldn’t. And I’ve been trying to keep it together, especially for my little brother. My family came to visit a couple hours before you did. It was, at the least, difficult for me, I must admit.”

“That’s very kind of you to think of the needs of your family before your own, especially in this situation,” Jake murmured.

“Kind? I think it is my duty and delight as family. No matter the situation, family is the closest you can get to heaven on earth. A loving family is worth preserving, no matter what.”

“Nevertheless, I admire your outlook and strength.”

At this, Kasumii appeared to droop like a flower on a torrid summer day.

“You see, that’s the problem,” she sighed.

“What’s the problem?”

“This mask I’m wearing-the one makes me appear positive and strong-I don’t know how long I can keep it up. I so desperately want to bring comfort to those around me, but I feel like I’m breaking apart as well.”

Jake sat down next to her and met her gaze.

“Look, Kasumii. If you can’t be all those things under the mask, then the mask is useless. It’s okay to feel this way, in fact, it’s completely normal. Stop being so hard on yourself; have in mind that other people might want to be there for you too. I don’t say this to belittle your efforts; I’m just want you to know that we, your family and I, want to be the best support we can at this time. Don’t be afraid to tell us how you really feel. I promise we won’t judge you for it.”

Kasumii opened her mouth, then shut it again. She didn’t know how to respond. To her, the idea of letting others in like that was abstract. Determined to keep her head cool, she fought back the frustration manifesting itself in glistening vision threatening to break loose.

“I don’t think you understand. It doesn’t matter how hard I try; I can never be who I want to be. I do know that you and my family love me, but I still feel like I should be doing something more to deserve your love. I know this probably hurts your feelings, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being this way, I’m sorry for not being the girl you deserve, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done.”

Jake frowned at her.

“What on earth are you talking about? You haven’t hurt my feelings, and you shouldn’t be sorry for that. Don’t forget, you’re a human being too, silly.”

Kasumii laughed mirthlessly.

“I am? Sometimes I feel more like a demon than a human.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, for starters, I was trying to comfort you when you felt bad about the accident even though it wasn’t your fault. Now I’m whining like a little child while you have to deal with me. I’m not that nice, as you can see.”

“That’s ridiculous. Anybody who has survived being hit full-on by a car has full rights to whine as much as they want while in the hospital,” Jake stated firmly.

This remark brought a small smile to Kasumii’s face.

“I’m not so sure about that,” she replied.

“Well, I am. Watch this.”

He got up dramatically, flicking both hands to either side, then bringing them up and crossing them above his head.

“What are you doing?” Kasumii asked in confusion.

Jake performed a majestic hair flip and raised an eyebrow at Kasumii, who was now shaking her head in disbelief at the silliness.

“You’re crazy.”

He extended his arm toward her.

“I, Jakob Zhang, king of absolutely nothing, hereby give you permission to whine all you want.”

“You really are nuts,” she muttered, trying to hide her smile. “He is rather cute.”

“Fine then, Your Majesty. My first complaint is that you worry too much. Stop worrying so much. Worrying does not affect the outcome, and if it does, it’s never a positive effect. Go home, get some rest, and for heaven’s sake, eat something!”

“Okay.” He pretended to pout for a moment, then straightened and smiled. “If it would truly bring you satisfaction, I will go home now and visit later.”

“It would bring me great satisfaction,” she answered, sticking out her tongue.

“All right. I will be back shortly,” he said, squeezing her hand in farewell.

She smiled as she closed her eyes once again, this time in peace.