Bullet Train Process
If I could write a list of all my flaws, my secrets, and my bad habits, the paper would go on and on and on. I could write about my depressions, or my fears. I could ink my pen and the words would tell of all my regrets in messy curvise hand writing. In all honesty, despite all the good in my life, it's tarnished by my mistakes. However, none of this I would change. I like to think that my mistakes are my own, and my regrets enrich my soul with a sweet treat of melancholy. So, if there were anything I would actually change of myself, it would be the only thing I was born with that was never my decision to make. I want to escape from my ADHD.
For those who don't know what ADHD is, it's attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. This means that I have trouble paying attention, focusing on long tasks, and may be prone to impulsive actions. An example would be like jumping out of a car that is barely parking because my body is so impatient it wants to leave already without thinking of the consequences. Or, squirming in my seat in an hour and half long lecture while my legs start twitching and aching, and my limbs almost want to jump off and run away from me. Or, like the times I'll be sitting with my friends in a conversation and my mind floats away with out of context thoughts.
Although I do complain about my ADHD, when I compare it to other disorders, even I sometimes think maybe it's not that bad. Except, sometimes I have so much trouble focusing, I can't even tell someone what I think or how I feel. I end up closing myself off because my thoughts are running so fast, I can't even spit them out. My mind and my body are sometimes not in sync. I might think I want to make tea and eggs for breakfast, and when I step into the room, my mind is already on what I plan to do for the evening that I forget what I wanted to make for breakfast. It's because of my ADHD that my grades are a roller coaster in my academic life. Even if I love school and learning, I can't concentrate long enough to enforce my efforts.
On worse occasions, my ADHD makes me unaware of my surroundings. That's why I'm an easy target for people who decide to snatch my wallet out of my purse or my pockets. I wouldn't really notice it anyway. It's the reason why I don't notice the stalker on the corner of the street when I walk home from school until someone else warns me of the danger. That's what makes ADHD unnerving for me is that I lose sight on the important things and I'm full of distractions. I have to put in an enormous amount of effort to get anything done lest I forget what I had wanted to do in the first place.
ADHD is a really awful mindfuck, that forces me to live in a world inside a world. My mind is constantly in the clouds. I'm extremely reckless, and it makes me inconsiderate of the consequences of my actions. I hurt people unintentionally, and I have to bite my tongue so I can actually take the time to think of my words carefully.
Overall, despite my ADHD, I try not to let it take over my life. Over the years, I have forced myself to slow down. I think before I talk. I plan out the details on paper before I continue with an assignment. I'm trying to be an independent person, because the thing about ADHD is that it can make you frightening dependent. If you can't focus long enough to finish an education, to finish a career, or even remember an order, you can't function in a working society. I want to be independent though. I want to be able to think and care for myself. So the next time someone thinks I'm an easy target because my head is in the clouds, I want to be able to look them in the eye and tell them I noticed this time.