Empathetic Tendencies

The one thing I would change about myself is one of the things I actually appreciate about myself. My empathetic tendencies. I credit every part of my being, good and bad, to being an empath. When I get bad mentally I just go numb. I can’t feel a thing. When that used to get bad the way I’d cope would be to feed off emotions of my surroundings, I mean it made since if I couldn’t make the feeling myself I’d generate it by feeding off of whoever I was surrounded with. May not be my emotion, but I’m feeling something so it’s a start right? But it goes wrong when I feed off of negative emotions, when you’re desperate to feel you just take whatever you can get and the whole empathy thing doesn’t just shut itself off. That’s why I cry when I see someone I love crying or can turn my day around when I hear one of my best friends tell me good news, I adapt them onto me and base my current state off of theirs. It won’t shut off. I crave other people’s happiness so I can make my own, aka the reason I always try and make it about others when I need an escape. I’m pretty sure that’s why I get overwhelmed in crowds and don’t like parties too. Too many people and noise and my brain tries to feed off all of it at once. I just shut down. I can’t take everyone on my all at once it just gets to be a burden and I have to escape. Pretty sure this is why I don’t allow myself to get close to thah many people, when everything gets too much I resort back to being alone and not taking everyone’s energy onto me to recharge which I’m always scared comes off as being selfish by needing alone time. Or at least alone time with people who get why I can’t just get up and leave spontaneously when I’m in a funk. But the good side of this is when I do feel I feel strong. Because when I see darkness it’s pitch black I can appreciate how vivid the beautiful things are. I can listen to people tell me about their day for hours because if they get excited I’m just as excited as them. It’s a whole way to view the world that I treasure as much as I hate.