Still Waiting

When I was a kid, I remember excitedly waiting with my younger sister for favorite TV shows to come on in the afternoon. I've also waited for new books to come out, orders to come in, and Christmas. That's the fun kind of waiting--the kind where you know everything will go well.

Then there's the other kind. As a full-time writer and a part-time violinist and actress, I've had my share of the bad kind of waiting. I've auditioned and submitted more times than I can recall, to the point where I usually don't even care about the results, just so long as I get something out there. But I can't take that approach to everything.

There's a phone call I've been waiting for all afternoon and now into evening. It's actually not a call for me, though it will affect me. Every time I look at a clock my heart drops a little. A rejection. It's going to be another rejection. Why can't they just call and let us know so that we can move on? I don't know who in my family will be more disappointed.

It came down to a fifty-fifty shot in the end. Yesterday they said they'd call tomorrow and let us know who they chose. Today is drawing to a close, and they haven't called. How can the news be positive at this point?

One of my flaws is that I let my hopes get too high and too quickly. I know that, and I've known it for a long time. It's been the source of a bunch of tears and pain--the idea that I had a chance when I really had none at all. Some people admire that quality they call optimism, but I honestly think it's led to more disappointment than anything else in my life.

Either by a call or by a delayed letter, we'll get the news. I can see it. "We're very sorry, but at this time..." At this time we're doing everything we can. At this time we need something positive. At this time we're trying to move on with our lives, to finally take a step in the right direction.

It was supposed to happen today. We'd get the news, celebrate, and make plans. But now it looks like we'll spend yet another year submitting, waiting, desperately hoping that someone somewhere will see us.