Because I cope in words

If I died tonight, would you regret how our relationship was? Think about it? Right now as it is. In this very moment. Would you regret not going to that dinner? Not standing up during an argument? Telling me I was fat that one time? Insisting on proving me wrong? Would you regret spending that extra time with me even when it inconvenienced you?

I think about these things a lot lately. My mom died a little over a month ago and sometimes I think I regret a lot of things. I regret not reaching out more. I regret feeling bothered on our hour drive to her house. However I don’t regret standing up for myself. I don’t regret maintaining who I am through the criticism. I regret feeling jealous of the time she spend with my brother and sister but I’ll never regret the independence I learned.

I look at every relationship I have this way. Maybe I think about it too much. Would I regret bailing on a situation for some me time? Or worse for my job? But what makes that bad? Why would that be something to regret? Why is self care something to feel ashamed of? In the same turn, chasing unrequited love is dumb and it makes you a fool, but what’s wrong with caring for someone and showing they are loved?

Maybe I’m trying to justify my over independence and workaholic attitude or my continual failed relationships - with friends, with lovers - with my mother, brother, sister.

In the end, I can’t change how I process my own life emotions. I don’t need to learn better social skills. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with the train wreck relationship I choose. I am happy to be able to put my job before anything else. I am raising to amazing kids who I expose to family despite my comfort because selfishly I want them to be better than me. I am fucking selfish and in the end we all should be. There’s really no such thing as regret. There are things we did, things we didn’t do and how we let that outcome effect our sense of self.