Flux

“Thank you Daddy” Juliette softly spoke under breath.

“You’re welcome pumpkin. Do you want me to stay awhile?”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight sweetheart. See you tomorrow?”

The ocean washed over the beach. The tears in Juliette’s eyes welled up. The ocean receded, back into the darkness as the sun set into the dark and stormy seas. She slowly closed the door without looking into his eyes, and locked every lock, deadbolt and chain. It took him a minute, but she could hear the wood of his shoes scuffle away from the door, as though he leaned in to listen, but sat down on the porch and stayed for awhile. Shot and killed at a traffic stop just last week, her late husband’s funeral wasn’t easy for anyone, as many feared for her, for she was the only one there who hadn’t wept. For the first time in her five years of marriage, she had the house all to herself, as the warmth that emanated from the glass of their portraits became as cold as an empty museum.

As she trudged up the staircase, at the top of the stairs, she could see her mother still standing on the ledge of the bridge, as the wind violently whipped her hair across her back. With each step, there was a creak she hadn’t noticed until now, as they soon began to fade into the howling winds that blew the leaves from the trees, much like the sound of the ocean receding.

The green rug that ran down the hall felt like a mile through the black nylon beneath her feet, as she slipped off her black shoes, muddied from the cemetery lawn. Though no lights in the house were on, she could see her reflection in the passing picture frames, but could no longer recognize who she was.

She hadn’t touched his side of the room since… His pile of jeans and shirts he threw towards the hamper and missed, still remained saturated with an essence she once despised, but now dare not disturb to preserve a fleeting scent that had long begun its decay. Standing there in the dark of the room, looking down at all the vivid colors that once brought her comfort, smeared into a tormenting grayscale of numbness. Perhaps it wasn’t just her mother standing on that ledge that day, but a part of herself as well. As the walls began closing in, it became more and more difficult to breathe, as she began to hyperventilate, but could not feel her lungs burning or the cavalry in her heart racing, pounding their hooves in her brain like a thunderous migraine, drowning out the sound of her cell phone incessantly buzzing in her clutch, as she held her late husband’s gun to her head and pulled the trigger...

The steel hammer of the gun smashed against the casing and primer in the chamber. As the gunpowder ignited, the bullet launched as though it were the last mission to space, screaming an ear piercing ringing as it reverberated throughout the resounding steel of the barrel, exploding out of the barrels end…

Temporal Lobe (right hemisphere)

Assists with the perception and interpretation of sound. Plays a role in the recognition of objects and visual memory.

Through the blinding light, Juliette could barely see where the ear piercing sound came from. It was the priest’s lapel mic as he stepped back from the microphone on the podium. A gale of wind blew out her candle’s flame. As she looked back into the pews, she could see her father, and the empty seat next to him as he smiled, staring through the tears in his eyes. Roman took her by the hand and relit her flame with his. As the priest spoke, together they took their flames and lit the ceremony candle in the priest’s hands. Before the priest could finish the latin words, the front door of church slammed wide open as another strong wind burst in to object. All Juliette could see was the empty seat next to her father, as a torrentuous rain began to pour in the front door, and pelted the marble of the cathedral floor...

Frontal Lobe (right hemisphere)

Suppresses socially inappropriate behavior. Predicts consequences of actions. Plays a role in the choice between good and bad actions.

One hundred capsules of partially digested sertraline hydrochloride and fluoxetine showered the toilet water along with her vomit… Roman held her hair back and pulled the strays one by one from her clammy back. He received repeated calls on his radio, and hesitated to answer. The dispatcher began to inflect aggravated concern. She wanted to whisper “I’m sorry” under her breath, but her throat went numb as the stomach acid ate at the lining of her vocal chords. The chatter on the radio repeatedly asked for his location. He flushed the toilet, let go of her and answered the call. When her escape flushed away into a whirlpool and swallowed, all that remained was her reflection. As the toilet filled, she could see her regret getting closer and closer, staring deep into the dilated void in her eyes, as the power went out in their apartment.

Parietal Lobe (right hemisphere)

Assists with the interpretation of touch. Plays a role in the knowledge of numbers and their relationships. Helps with understanding objects, shapes, and space.

The glass of the mirror felt cold as she looked into her reflection, judging her own appearance and choice of clothing. She flipped on the lightswitch, abhorred by what she saw, turned the light back off, immediately opened the medicine cabinet and located her prescription. She became confused as she shook the container and noticed only a single pill as it rattled in the plastic.

Parietal Lobe (left hemisphere)

Goose down feathers had once again took their flight as Juliette slashed the bedsheets, pillows, and mattress, found a cologne bottle Roman had never worn for her, and smashed it against the closet mirror, where it exploded and shattered the glass, fracturing her reflection into a million pieces. Knife in hand, she stood there amidst the madness of broken hangers, emptied drawers, and sunlight which peered through the ripped and torn curtains, illuminated off the shards of glass that surrounded her bleeding bare feet like a disco ball, and faded away as the sound of thunder shook the apartment, and the clouds put the sun to sleep. The bulb of a lamp, that laid broken amongst the chaos on its side, flickered what remained of its life.

Neocortex (left hemisphere)

In humans, the neocortex is involved in higher functions such as sensory perception, generation of motor commands, spatial reasoning and language. Over time, information from certain memories that are temporarily stored in the hippocampus can be transferred to the neocortex as general knowledge.

Looking past her six year old reflection of the backseat car window, frozen in a moment of time, beyond the tail light of the car next to theirs that went out, beyond her father running from their car through heavy traffic, beyond the car accidents and concerned citizens that gathered, and the officers that couldn’t get through, she could see her mother standing barefoot on the ledge of the bridge.

Surreal as it may be, she was now standing outside of the car, as though she were standing in this memory looking in on her life, this thought, tucked away in the vast reaches of her mind. Only here, and only now, would she be able to reach her, she thought. Although it would be futile, and the outcome would never change, her impulses urged and compelled her curiosity to that ledge. As she ran for her, the bridge seemed to physically lengthen, as her mother gently began her descent, getting further and further away from her, as existence began to reanimate in this nightmare, slowly. In one moment she was running in the same place silently screaming her mother’s name as she disappeared over the ledge and out of sight, and in the blink of an eye she had her arms wrapped around her mother’s back holding her tight, as they both began their two hundred and forty five foot journey to the water’s edge. As she moved around her mother to get a closer look, she saw her own face on her mother’s body. She wasn’t sad, she looked calm, at peace, and almost happy. In another blink, her mother was no longer there, and it was just her, as she hit the face of the ocean, with hers.

She awoke crouched naked in darkness, with her face between her knees, and her arms holding her legs, surrounded by millions of others doing just same and wailing throughout this hell. She couldn’t see past her own hair that draped her face, nor would she want to or try, as a light, a warm and familiar feeling seemed to illuminate her body and permeated her eyelids, where she could no longer hide. Although she could feel the cold muddy ground beneath her feet, saturated with insects and bugs that crawled out and in between her toes, she could also feel familiar arms hold her close and lifted her from this place, like a feather…

It was bright. Behind her closed eyelids, she could feel all of the colors of the sun in all of their vibrance. She could hear the ocean waves crashing not far from them, coming in closer until she felt it splash against her ankles, where the feeling of the things that crawled between her toes became the fleeting feeling of sand and water washing them away, as her tears finally fell from her eyes. Roman’s hand held the back of her head, as he gently tucked his fingers into her hair. She couldn’t believe it, and dared not open her eyes, afraid that this dream would end, until she felt his lips on her forehead. She betrayed herself as her eyes opened and saw him aglow holding her close, as though he could never, nor would ever, let her go again. She began to convulse as she cried, and all the tears she had ever held back, and all of the emotions she had ever held in, fell from her face and washed away as the ocean receded. After a long while, when the last tears had come and gone, Roman wiped what remained from her face and held her cheeks with his gentle hands, leaned in and kissed her on the lips. Surrendered by this overwhelming feeling that filled her heart with all of the colors of his. She couldn’t help herself, and closed her eyes once more, took to the tips of her toes that just sank into the sand beneath her feet, keeping her as she was. She could hear her heart beating as though it was in her ears, and then she could hear his beating until both began to beat in unison. The ocean washed over their feet once more. As his lips left hers, she could no longer feel him holding her. She opened her eyes, and he had gone, as the ocean receded back towards a sun that seemed it would never set. Then she heard it...

It was soft at first, but as she placed her hands over her stomach she could feel it, beating, until it became all that she could hear, it became all that she could feel, it became the only purpose worth living for redeeming…

As the bullet exited the other side of her skull, it took with it, pieces of her mind that she would never get back, just to let the light in, as it stuck into the wood beyond the drywall.

She opened her eyes after some time had passed in that state of flux, drenched in her own blood as it soaked into her father’s coat, with the pistol still in her grip.

“I’m sorry Daddy.”

He shushed her softly with tears in his eyes, “It’s okay pumpkin, everything’s going to be okay.” He held her close, threw the gun from her hand, and rocked her gently as the song of sirens came closer and closer. She closed her eyes once more, placed her hands over her stomach and felt another smaller heart beating within. She smiled as this feeling of joy washed over her and did not recede.