How to Survive a Kirmil Family Thanksgiving

To give you fair warning, this will not be brief. Because in order to survive a Kirmil family Thanksgiving it is extremely important that you come well prepared. Or at least well informed.

Upon arrival of Grandma Kirmil’s house, make sure you walk up the stone pathway on the right of the house. Not on the grass. Never on the grass. Not even if the grass looks healthy and lush, tempting to touch. Never. As you reach the large wooden front door, to the right rests a green ceramic frog, rub its head. Believe me, Grandma Kirmil will question if you did and will know if you didn’t. There is no eating until everyone has rubbed the little green frog’s head. Knock three times. That’s it. Three. It doesn’t matter if you don’t hear anyone coming to the door. She will come. And if she does not come, you will wait until she does. Once she opens the door, make your eyes smile. Let them glisten like they have never glistened before. Take a deep breath in and put your hand to your heart and say “Oh my, Grandma. You’re just as beautiful as the last time I saw you.” Then, compliment her on her outfit. Whether she is wearing her old musty grey cardigan or her beaded evening dress, it is always the most beautiful thing you have ever seen her wear. As grandma steps aside to let you into her home, silently congratulate yourself. Getting into the home is half the battle. And since you have taken the time to prepare, you are already ahead of the rest.

Next is Uncle Larry. Remember Uncle Larry. He is a safe zone. If there is ever a time where you feel faint or exhausted from relentlessly defending your life choices to the rest of the family, find Uncle Larry. His hair is silver and has been since he was sixteen. He is a quiet man and he usually likes to keep to himself. Which is good for you. He will not say much; use this time to rest. But use him sparingly--only in times of desperate need. Once Uncle Larry pulls out his Cuban cigars and pours himself a glass of single malt whiskey, he will change. Beware the change. He turns into quite the talker after three glasses. Be sure to keep track. After you have made contact with Uncle Larry, find a place to sit.

Oh my, I almost forgot, you must remember to comment on grandma’s furniture. The sooner the better, just don’t forget. Yes, you will notice that the furniture never changes, that she has had the same viridian green velvet couches since 1985, and that the sun bleached burnt orange curtains are now a peach color. But it doesn’t matter; say you idolize her interior design capabilities. After you find a seat, sit there and wait. Most likely, Aunt Tammie will come up to you first. You can spot her by her short curly brown hair and her hard east coast accent. Do yourself a favor and let her talk. If she asks you a question, simply answer it and ask her a question back. The key to her heart is to let her talk about herself. Aunt Tammie is a nice hang if you really don’t feel like talking to anyone else. You can keep her going for at least 45 minutes.

Dinner is usually served around 6pm and since there are about 20 people at the Kirmil Family Thanksgiving, you will most likely be waiting in line. If you can orchestrate it, stand in line by Uncle Rick. He has light brown hair with a white splotch on the back of his head—it’s a birthmark. Uncle Rick is the most humorous right before he eats. Don’t eat the key lime pie. Every year Aunt Kathy makes key lime pie, and every year she adds salt instead of sugar. It is unsure if she has just mislabeled her salt and sugar jars or if she really prefers a salty key lime pie, but just bypass it. Say you are allergic to limes. You may have to keep this lie up for the rest of your life, but it’s worth it. If you follow this guide, you will have a slight chance of surviving a Kirmil Family Thanksgiving. At the very least, you may go home with a tear stained face, but you will have survived. Count your blessings and remember Uncle Larry.