Voices in Silence

April 12th might’ve been just another day for those who spoke, but to Erin Sweeney and those like her, it was a time to make a statement by not saying anything at all. That in itself wouldn’t be too much of a problem for her, considering that she was shy. She’d much rather keep quiet in class, if she could help it. What really put her on edge, though, was the possibility of being found out by other students.

Erin planned on participating in The Day of Silence with her girlfriend, Zoey Moore, weeks in advance, but the nerves didn’t really hit her until the night before. She hardly slept and when it was time for her to get up, she felt sick to her stomach. She kind of felt like skipping, but she didn’t want to disappoint Zoey.

After dating for half a year, she still felt bad about being half in the closet. Sure, their parents knew they were going out and they were supportive and all, which was great, but no one else knew, not even their friends. So, on some level, they were seeing each other in secret. At the very least, Erin wanted to do this for her.

It wasn’t like she was ashamed of Zoey or anything. How could she be? Zoey was amazing. If anything, she didn’t want to draw any attention to herself, which proved to be pretty difficult at times, given her bright red, curly hair.

People would oftentimes pick on her for it, call her a ginger, tell her that she had no soul. Last year, the girl who sat behind her in math class went so far as to stick gum in her hair, snickering with her friend about it all the while. Erin still wasn’t over that. It was because of that incident that she started wearing hats to school and today was no different.

After throwing on a pair of jeans and a plain T-shirt, she put on a Yankees cap and headed downstairs to have breakfast. Her mom could see that she was anxious. She wasn’t exactly good at hiding it, especially from her mom, who made her some toast and sat with her at the table as she nibbled on it, offering her words of encouragement. They did little to abate her nerves, but Erin knew that she meant well, and she appreciated it. Not every parent was as accepting as hers, or Zoey’s for that matter, which is something that she’ll always be grateful for.

Erin managed to eat about a third of toast before she had to go. She slipped on her sneakers and put the lunch her mom made her into her backpack. Her mom sent her off with an umbrella, a hug, a kiss and then she was out of the door.

It hadn’t started raining yet, but it was dark and cloudy out, as if it could rain at any moment. She arrived at the bus stop to see that a few other people who went to the same high school as her were already there, either tapping away on their phones or staring off into space. Erin stood a considerable distance away from them and shifted from one foot to the other as she waited for the bus to arrive.

It didn’t take that long to show up, but by then, it was already packed. Thankfully, she was able to sit in the front. Although she’d rather not be squished in between two people, it was better than the alternative, which was to sit in the back where the most rambunctious group always seemed to sit. They indulged in mindless chatter about celebrity culture and physical appearances, homophobic slurs leaving their mouths just as easily as their curses. Erin tensed, holding her backpack close. No one else seemed to react. Not the bus driver, not the other passengers. They just listened to their iPods, used their phones, or waited to get to school, like it was only natural for people to speak this way, like it was okay.

When they arrived, Erin left the claustrophobic space and breathed a sigh of relief, striding underneath the awning and into the school. Compared to the bus, the hallways were much quieter, although there were some people who talked to one another. The teachers she had before lunch spoke, too, but they respected those who chose to remain silent, going about the day like usual, just as she did. She remained silent, not wanting to be seen, but to blend into the background, just as a chameleon would, invisible.

At lunch, she emerged from the background enough to be seen by Zoey, who looked as happy as she felt about seeing her. Zoey looked cool today. She looked cool every day. She had her long dark brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her hazel eyes were shining. She was a star, ready to be discovered, adorned in a black cardigan, a Paramore t-shirt, ripped jeans, and boots.

The mere sight of her had freed Erin from the loneliness that held her down until then. She was overcome with the urge to hug her. They were both girls so it should be fine, right? They’d be seen as just two friends hugging. But on the off chance that they wouldn’t be... There were too many eyes in the cafeteria. She just couldn’t. She couldn’t find it in her to hold Zoey’s hand, either. What kind of girlfriend was she?

They walked side-by-side to find a table, together yet apart, choosing to sit at the third one closest to the door. They sat across from one another and got out their lunches and iPhones. It didn’t take long for hers to buzz with a text.

‘u doing ok erin?’ Zoey frowned at her, worriedly.

‘im doing better now that ur here’, Erin replied. ‘hbu?’

Zoey’s face broke out into a smile. ‘same wish that i could hug and kiss u tho xo’

Erin felt a pang in her heart. ‘im sorry’

Zoey shook her head, empathically. ‘dont be i understand besides therell be plenty of time for that l8er ;)’ She winked.

Erin smiled, rubbing her neck as she blushed. ‘ur the best <3’

‘no u r xoxo’ Zoey playfully pointed at her.

Sometimes Erin wondered what she did to deserve such an amazing girl. ‘we still going to the movies l8er?’

‘uh yea we r y wouldnt we??’

‘well u havent picked a movie yet’

‘wat?‘ Zoey looked at her, confused. ‘i thought u were supposed 2 pick?’

‘no u were’

‘ooo well guess that depends wanna c a romance a marvel movie or a disney movie?’

‘c’mon i picked last time its ur turn’

‘but it’s a 3way tie 4 me i cant decideeeeee’

‘hmmm how bout marvel?’

‘nice! i like me some kickass women’

‘great now ull b staring at captain marvel the whole movie’

‘well yea she is the main character the both of us will b staring at her a lot unless the movie bores me 2 death then my eyes will be all urs’

Erin rolled her eyes, fondly. ‘oh plz if anything ull b falling asleep on my shoulder’

Zoey chuckled. ‘haha cant argue w/ u there’

They continued to text until they finished eating and spent the rest of the lunch period sitting beside each other, listening to music on Zoey’s iPod. As much as she didn’t like school at times, Erin was grateful for it because this was where she met Zoey.

Last year, in art class, they were told to draw their idol as their first project, and Erin drew her mom. Zoey just so happened to be late to class that day. She told Ms. Jones it was because she had to go to the bathroom, that it was an emergency. Ms. Jones was pretty lenient about it. She just told Zoey to take a seat. Since most of the seats were taken, Zoey sat next to her and offered her a friendly smile. Erin couldn’t help but smile back. Her smile was so infectious. While Erin was in the middle of sketching the features of her mom’s round face (her thin eyebrows, her hooded eyes, her small , her thin lips and freckles), Zoey complimented her on her drawing. Erin had gotten flustered. She wasn’t used to getting attention like this.

Erin was sure to thank her and looked over to Zoey’s sketch, recognizing the picture she used as reference to be of Hayley Williams from Paramore. Erin felt a spark of interest and complimented Zoey on her drawing, insisting that it was good even when Zoey told her that she didn’t do Hayley justice. As they drew, they talked about their favorite Paramore songs and the rest was herstory.

Fortunately, they were in the same class again this year and they even got to sit next to each other, too. Their math teacher, Mrs. Giordano, started the class off by writing a message on the board: ‘Good afternoon, everyone. As you might already know, today is The Day of Silence. As a lesbian, I’ve decided to participate, and I ask that you all respect my decision to stay silent. Of course, I have great respect for those who have decided to participate as well, but don’t think this means that there won’t be a lesson because of this. Anyone who has decided to remain silent could communicate through writing and I will do the same. Now, I ask that you open your textbooks and finish where we left off yesterday...’

Mrs. Giordano was a lesbian? Erin never knew. She automatically assumed that she was straight, just like she did with everyone else, so she thought that she had a husband. Looked like she was wrong.

Mrs. Giordano had admitted it so easily, too. Even though a group of boys were whispering some less than savory words in the back, she remained unbothered. She just sat down behind her desk and waited for everyone to finish the math problems she assigned to them. Erin was in awe of her bravery.

As she got to work, Erin wondered how long it took Mrs. Giordano to get to this point, to be this confident and composed in the face of possible ridicule. Would she ever get to that point? Erin glanced at Zoey, wondering if she could ever be that brave for her.

After a considerable amount of time passed, Mrs. Giordano rose to her feet and erased her message before she wrote down the first problem, asking. ‘Who could solve this problem for me?’ She tapped the board with the chalk to point out the question.

Erin knew the answer to this one. She was about to raise her hand when she hesitated. Did she really want all of those eyes on her? Besides, what if her answer turned out to be wrong?

She felt her arm being poked and turned to Zoey, who pointed at her hand before she pointed up. It took her a second to realize that Zoey was encouraging her to raise her hand. Erin faced the front again and noticed that no one else had their hand raised. Mrs. Giordano surveyed the room, expectantly. Was she waiting for someone to raise their hand or was she going to pick on someone? Erin looked to Zoey again, who mouthed, ‘you can do it.’

Her pounding heart did a little twirl. Zoey believed in her. No one believed in her as much as Zoey did (with the exception of her parents, but they weren’t here right now). This wasn’t the first time Zoey encouraged her, but for some reason, it was the first time she wanted to try. Maybe it was because of Mrs. Giordano herself, who made her feel a little less alone, a little more hopeful.

Slowly, Erin raised her hand until Mrs. Giordano picked her. She stood up and brought her notebook up to the board, taking the chalk from Mrs. Giordano. She wrote down all of the work she did, her hand shaking, her face heating up all the while. Her numbers wound up being big and awkward compared to Mrs. Giordano’s, but as she returned to her desk, no one seemed to care. If anything, everyone either looked bored or disinterested.

Erin sat back down and Zoey patted her on the back. She did it. She actually got up in front of the class and wrote on the board. Step by step, Mrs. Giordano went over the problem, writing down how to solve it on the side. It turned out that she solved it correctly, after all. Mrs. Giordano even wrote, ‘...Good job, Erin!’ It made her feel good to have her work appreciated, even if she wasn’t that crazy about math. The thumbs-up Zoey gave her added to the feeling, making her feel happy and proud, even if her armpits turned out to be a little sweatier in the end.

Erin didn’t see Zoey again until classes were done for the day and by then, it was raining outside. Because Zoey forgot her umbrella, they had to huddle underneath hers. No one seemed to pay them any mind. Their main focus, at the moment, seemed to be getting out of the rain, rushing to cars to get picked up or catching the bus. Thinking of it that way, Erin was able to wrap her arm around Zoey’s and pull her closer with little fear. The smile Zoey gave her made the chance she just took worth it.

Later, at the Atrium, Erin took another chance by reaching out to hold Zoey’s hand on their way into the theater. Again, nobody noticed or maybe they did and they just didn’t care. Either way, Erin felt proud to walk alongside Zoey, holding her hand.

They were still a ways from being out. Outside of their houses, they were still the most comfortable holding hands, cuddling, and kissing in the darkness of a movie theater. But one day, Erin hoped that they’d be comfortable enough to be as open as Mrs. Giordano and her wife are. One day, Erin hoped that she’d have enough bravery to bring her love for Zoey into the light.