1:49am.

I haven’t written anything meaningful in a long time. I’m not even sure I can anymore. Sitting here in my room, alone for the first time in a long while, and sleep eludes me.

I’ve always had a way that I try to live my life. I try not to regret things, just take shit as it comes and move on. But who the fuck am I kidding, trying to be fucking tough. I’m broken and fragile and SCAREDSCAREDSCARED and feeling way too many things I don’t want to feel.

Today was the first time in a long time that I’ve lost my self-control and just let my emotions take over. It was almost like I was just watching myself from outside my body, cursing, screaming; letting carnal urges and emotions take over and just shutting down and letting go.

Break. Break. Break. Broken. I broke today. I told myself a long time ago I would never break, never falter, always be in control, but as much as you holler and damn the sun, there will always be a dawn. Cue the sun. Cue the moon.

Cue fucking tomorrow.

I don’t know how to feel about my life, or you, or me. I just want to be Jack in that goddamn fairytale, fall fall fall fall fall fall break whatever the fuck a crown is, break everything else, to match this goddamn heart of mine. Then Jill would come tumbling down right after.

Yeah, fucking right.

Jill would point and laugh as I fall down that fucking hill, and probably leave me for dead. Off to go fuck Peter Pan or some other fairytale figure that isn’t a fucking dumb-shit that fall down hills.

Are you my Jill I wonder? My pill-popping, imperfect salvation? Cigarette in one hand and my heart in the other. Bring me back to life dammit, I want mouth-to-mouth with smoke and tar and cancer and barely enough oxygen to bring me back from the rusted gates of the forgotten.

Life’s not a fucking fairytale sadly. Just broken girls, broken boys, looking for ways to fill that hole which was there as long as you can remember. I always find it odd and slightly funny that no one ever remembers when they lost whatever occupied that god-forsaken hole.

Drugs, sex, whatever works. Just fill it, satisfy it, feed it. I want to be whole again. I want to be whole. Please. I want to be whole, one last time.

The amphetamines are my sanity, my psychosis, my muse. The cigarettes are my lonely cane, each burning away as it holds me steady for a fleeting moment until it’s discarded and replaced. The painkillers kill. Killkillkillkill and I love it. And the benzos keep my demons locked away.

But alas, I’ve emptied this carcass I call a mind, and no more insight comes. Not like any ever has anyway.

The world will tell you no. The world will tell you “FUCK YOU. NO. YOU FUCKING STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.” But fuck the world. Fuck my duct-tape ridden heart. Fuck whores and drugs and stupid fucking hills. Fuck being broken.

Fuck you world. I’m alive you arrogant shit, alive and I’m a life. Everyone matters, because if you’re here right now on this earth reading this, you have a purpose. So don’t squander your goddamn life, live it.

Purposeless stream-of-consciousness. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

'till dawn, world.