Self-imposed

I’m lying in bed and I’m ready to go to sleep. Every night, I give myself permission to let lose so I do not ruminate about the real stuff that would just keep me awake.

So, to relax, I allow myself to imagine how I run into my ex and we connect again. But, for some reason, I always imagine myself as being seriously sick, or having experienced something traumatic. And over that he is then concerned and it makes him care for me, and we become close.

And during all of that, he usually has a girlfriend, but he doesn’t love her as much as he still loves me.

And I know how horrible that sounds, and every time, in between feeling comforted, I ask myself why I do this.

What does it say about me? Would I rather be about to die and see him again than living a life without him?

Do I think he would only leave the other girl he loves if he is about to lose me forever?

Do I always imagine him being in a relationship with someone else, because in my mind that is the only reason why he doesn’t love me back anymore?

Do I even love him or do I just want to be loved again by someone, but all I know is him?

Do I imagine myself in misery with a clear physical cause, so I can live out all of the pain I carry insight of me?

So, to calm myself down, I imagine myself with him again

because it’s the only thing that can give me comfort when I am alone with my thoughts.

And at some point, I get too tired to question all of this

and I can contently imagine us cuddling and falling asleep.

This is my version of self-imposed inevitable doom, at least the daily one.