Melody

The sun shines brightly overhead today, without a cloud to be seen. Why is the sun out? Why isn’t it cloudy or rainy? Why doesn’t the weather match the situation? There’s no place for the sun at a funeral.

Especially at the funeral for the love of my life. For the mother of my daughter.

I’m standing at the back of the congregation holding my daughter, looking at the dark coffin sitting on a raised platform. The pastor is standing in front leading the service. I can hear his words, but I don’t understand them. To me, the words are just noise.

I look down at my daughter in my arms. She looks so small. Melody will be one in a month. Never again will she be held by her mother, never again will she be doted on by her mother. She will never know her mother’s love.

Melody tangles her dainty fingers in the chain around my neck. I pull the chain out from under my shirt that holds my wife’s wedding ring. Melody quickly grabs the silver band. Before she has the chance to put the ring in her mouth, I place my hand around her little hands.

“This is your mother’s wedding ring. You’ll get it when you are older, when you won’t try to eat it immediately,” I say to Melody. “I hope that you love it. It’s the closest thing I can give to you that was your mother’s.” Melody just stares at me with her wide, blue eyes. She smiles up at me with her four front teeth showing. I wish I could be as carefree as Melody. She then starts to mess with the silver band on my finger that I can’t bring myself to take off.

I kiss the top of Melody’s head. She lets out a bout of giggles that brings a small smile to my face. Simultaneously, my heart breaks into a million pieces that are swept away in the gentle breeze. I take a deep breath and slowly let it out.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and look up to see my mom standing in front of me. People aren’t sitting in their chairs anymore. They are lining up at the coffin to pay their respects.

I hand Melody to my mom. It is time to say goodbye. I plant another kiss on Melody’s head as I try to hold back my tears. But, as Melody places her hands around my face, a tear begins to slides down my cheek. I take a deep breath and step back. Melody is reaching out for me. I want to hold her in my arms, but I need to say goodbye on my own.

There isn’t anyone around the coffin anymore. I make the slow descent down the aisle. The walk feels like an eternity. My heart drops in my chest, and my body starts to go cold. I feel numb. I’m not ready to say goodbye. But I have to do this.

As I stand next to the coffin, I place my left hand on top. My wedding ring shines as it reflects the sunlight. The dark mahogany feels smooth under my hand. I take a long, shuddering breath.

Our life together had barely begun. We quickly fell in love and got married after our first year of college. You were soon pregnant with our daughter. You excelled in school while becoming a mother at the same time. Against all odds, you graduated. You were already talking about wanting more kids. I told you that we had time. But what did I know? You were just twenty-two, then suddenly, you were gone. You were taken away from us. Why did this have to happen to us? To you?

You had plans to law school in the fall. You always talked about how you wanted to change the world. Now you won’t have that chance.

Why wasn’t I in that car instead of you? I should have insisted that I go to the store to pick up Melody’s medicine. Instead, I’m here, and you’re not.

You were going to do great things. Change the world. Defend the innocent and those who couldn’t speak for themselves. You were going to change laws to bring equality to everyone. You were destined to be great and mighty. You were destined to be a great mother.

But now, you won’t be. You were taken away from us.

I don’t know how I’m going to move on without you. I don’t know how to be a great parent to Melody. I don’t know how to do it without you. Being a mother was so effortless for you. I don’t know how to be a father. I struggle everyday to be a good father. Melody deserves better. She deserves you, her mother. I should have been in that car instead of you.

But I can’t go back in time and change it. You’re gone.

I have to move on without you now; you were taken from us to soon. Our daughter needs me to be strong for her. I’ll have to learn to be strong. Everything I do now, and everything I learn along the way, it will all be for Melody.

I take the chain from around my neck. I remove the silver band from my ring finger and slip it onto the chain. There is a faint clink as our wedding rings come together. I slip the chain back around my neck. As the rings thump against my chest, I feel a little bit of the tension rise out of my chest. As soon as the first tear drops from my eye, the floodgates open.

I love you, Anna Grace Winchester.